Stupid whore.

I made amends with Dylan. Told him I was sorry for the shit I put him through. And I am. I truly am sorry. 

We were getting along. And then he asks "You made out with scott?"

Yeah, I did. I was also high when I was. Scott told my supposed friend Casey that we made out. She told Dylan. 

Fuckin' A, Casey! That wasn't your place to tell him! You don't have the right to go shooting your mouth off at Dylan. I was supposed to tell him. And I was going to. I don't know where you got the audacity to go behind my back and do that. I understand trying to warn him that I might hurt him again, I get that, but you still had no right to go running to him and telling him that. If you had given me enough time, I would have told him. Right now would not have been the best time. 

Oh, by the way, we all know you want Dylan. It's so fucking obvious. You flirted with him even when I was with him. That's just low. I would have NEVER done that to you. I also wouldn't have tattled on you if you made a mistake with some guy and was trying to make things better. 

FUCK!!!!! I am so fucking pissed at that stupid bitch. 

She totally fucked over my chance with making things better with Dylan. 

I am so pissed off, I'm calm. And that is NOT good. I am seething with white hot rage right now that I could kill a puppy and laugh while doing so. I'm mad. Fucking mad. And if I see her.... Nose job is what she's getting as a late birthday present from me. FUCK. HER. 

Screw you Casey. Screw. You. 

-A

I'm taking it back.

I'm sorry. I can't do it anymore. I just can't. I start things I can't finish. And I started something with you that I am not able to finish. The guilt is eating me alive. If you can't forgive me, believe me, I understand. I am so sorry for doing this to you. I really, truly, am sorry. Please don't let me affect your life. Just forget about me, this whole thing. It would be best if you did.

I am so sorry for doing this.

-Ashlyn.

Holy, didn't-expect-this, Batman!

Well, I'm home from the worst camping trip ever.
My back is killing me.

Also! Turns out, I'm pretty damn good at throwing the football :D
Pretty cool, huh?

Okay, on to a new, more shocking topic.

~~~~
So I like a lot of guys. We all know this.
Big fucking deal, right?

Connor just wants action.
Spencer is spoken for.
Jacob is.. Well, no.

Dane is a definite maybe.
Turns out, I like him. A lot. I've been talking to him all night and I like him.
I like a lot of guys. I can't help it.


Yes, I'm 15.
Yes I know I have my whole life to figure this stuff out but I'm rash. And that's the fun part.
I love making these types of decisions. I love taking leaps of faith.
What's wrong with trying to find that person now? Nothing.
Because I'm going to be searching sooner or later. Why not start now?
Is it going to hurt me? Probably.
But that's whole point of life.

Go and do something that will stick with you for eternity.
Would you rather have a few happy moments from your youth or none at all?
Am I going to regret a lot? Yeah, probably.
But Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away. 
And I would much rather have a bunch of breath taking moments in my life then none at all. 
So I'm gonna start taking those risks I've been hesitant to take. 


Call me crazy, I don't care. 
I've been called MUCH worse. 




Peace
-A

Parting is such sweet sorrow...

I am no longer a Freshman. I'm a mother fucking Sophomore now.
:D


~~~~~~~~
I really hate songs that make me miss those people who were in my life but left cause I fucked up.
It bothers me because I never knew how much I would miss those people once they left.
I screwed up a lot but there are three people who I will forever miss no matter how screwed up it sounds.
Tyler, Cade & Aaron.
All of them meant the world to me but I went ahead and acted without thinking.
And now, I get reminded every time I hear or say something that reminds me of them.
I miss Aaron's easygoingness.
I miss Cades kisses.
I miss Tyler's love. 

And yeah, I know he never really loved me but I still miss it.
I miss a lot but I guess I should be lucky I still have my memories of when things were good when I was with them.
Yes, I've been with lots of people and I will continue to be with people.
But those 3 and the memories I have of them have stayed with me so far so I'm hoping I can have those memories even when I'm an old lady.

I know I said I lost my faith in love but I suppose I will always have it. But it just seems like right now, I just need a break from it. Although I so desperately want it.
Love is so fucking fucked up. But sometimes, it's so worth it.

~~~~~~~~
Tomorrow is my 15th birthday.
It's midnight right now so it's Fathers day.
I fucking hate how my birthday is either the day before or after or on Fathers Day.
Cause I always feel guilty cause I'm getting all the attention when it should be my dad's day.
And I feel guilty when I'm having friends over for my birthday and they have to come on Fathers Day. Makes me feel guilty because then I'm taking them away from their dad's.
I kinda of wish I was born a day later or earlier. That way Fathers Day wouldn't get in the way.
~~~~~~~~

This month is National Adopt A Cat Month.
So go adopt a baby kitty from the animal shelter :)

Peace
-A

Summer

Tomorrow is my last day of school.
My last day of being a puny little freshman.
My last day of being in the youngest grade.

I mean, sure, I'll miss tons of things about being a freshman but I just want my high school career to be over already. And no, it hasn't been horrible but I certainly am not happy with it.
But that could be because I moved right before my freshman year and lost all my friends in FL.
And had to make new ones but thanks to Jess (I LOVE YOU<3) it hasn't been all that bad.
I just want it to be my senior year.
So I can move out and go to college. Go to college at UW and move to Wyoming.
Because for some reason, when I was driving through Wyoming while moving, it felt like home.
Like I was supposed to be there, ya know?
And I believe that when something just feels right, you go with it.
It felt right to be there. So why deny what my soul is so obviously telling me?

Sure, Wyoming can be a bit of a snore but I love it there. I want to own a farm and raise my kids, foster & biological, there. Let them know how the real America was before it became what it is today.
I want my own little piece of this world.
And in my will, I'm gonna make it so that none of my family members can sell it for money.
Cause that is just rude.

Okay, I have to pack for Ashli's.

Peace
-A

With a sense of poison rationality.

Ever wonder if rational thoughts are the cause for most of the destruction in this world?
All the paranoia?
Hate?
Murder?
Wars?

... You know, if people were to stop "Rationalizing" what every little person or country was doing, we wouldn't be in a lot of the messes were in now.

Just something to think about.


Peace
-A

Tattoos.

I've gotten really into body art.
My hand is decorated with little designs I did with a sharpie.
It looks pretty cool, if I do say so myself.
Which I did.

I gave my friend Kalani a sleeve. I used orange, black and yellow sharpie.
It looks pretty cool. It goes from the tips of her fingers to her elbow.
It also wraps around her arm, too.
I gave Dylan a tattoo. His brother said "Whoever gave you that sharpie tat is really creative."
That made me smile.
I've been into art a lot lately. I mean- I've always loved it but I'm just getting really into it. I can draw eyes and mouths now. And they actually look real.
That's my specialty. Realism.
I can look at a picture and redraw it. I can look at someone and draw them. But Surrealism (Basically, creative art. Like, Picasso ) Is difficult for me. And when I DO draw up something cool, it almost always looks a bit disturbing. But that's my art. It doesn't have to make sense.
I'm thinking about selling my art professionally. For weed money.
Cause I seem to draw better when I'm stoned. Ironic, huh?
I should draw better sober but nope.
I always thought my mom was the artist of the family, and although I'll never measure up to her work, but I seem to have picked up a little bit of the trait and I'm glad. Art has always been an interest of mine.
As with writing. I love writing with a passion.
It's a great escape when art can't help me.

I know I'll never be like Van Gogh, Georgia O'Keefe or Pablo Picasso. But I can at least try.
My art always has meaning to me. Even the most disturbing ones have meaning.
Why draw if you're not gonna draw from your soul?

Peace
-A

Open post

I'm going to publish this post when I go to bed tonight. 

I'm just gonna leave it open and post when something pops in my head. I'll say what time it is, too. 

Right now, in Washing State, USA it is 5:16 p.m. 

So today was the last GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) and this senior, who I've had the BIGGEST crush on since the beginning of the year (I've never really mentioned my liking to anyone.), kissed me in GSA. On the mouth. 

He also did it to everyone else but the rest of the day was filled with elation. But he had to keep going on about how far he got with his girlfriend almost the whole time. 

BTW; His name is Spencer. 

I really fucking like him. Like, the rest of the time, when he was talking about his GF, I just wanted to scream. And I , honestly, feel like crying and kicking my self for not telling him earlier in the year. I should have done it! But I was such a noob this whole year. I didn't even tell Jess, Lauren or Ashli how much I liked him the whole year up until a couple weeks ago. 

I feel weak to admit it but I smoked to see if the pain would go away but it only numbed it. 

I'm gonna miss him so fucking much </3

I also wish that kiss had been with love. 

I have no more to say right now. 

7:13 p.m.

I'm talking to Dylan and Cade right now. 

I'm not really in my body but yet I am. 

I'm really into art right now, like, I feel like painting, sculpting or just doodling. 

I wish I could post some of my work on here but my computer is old and uploading pictures is difficult and it would freeze my dinosaur of a computer. 

I also just read "Go Ask Alice" - Anonymous. 

That is the best fucking book I have ever read! 

It's awesome. I knew I wasn't the only crazy druggie out there!. 

I mean, I know the only drug I indulge in is marijuana, I still feel like people criticize me for it 24/7. 

I feel kind of out of it. 

8:46 p.m. 

Dylan is getting me a birthday present. He asked what I wanted and I said an art book would suffice just fine. He's acting weird though. I hope he isn't getting me anything too overwhelming. 

I'm kind of feeling artistic but I don't know what to draw. 

I'm also feeling pretty down. 

... To be honest, I think my depression is coming back because it's just like it was before I went on the medication. The same thoughts, actions and feelings. It sucks pretty bad. 

I also miss my little sister (technically my cousin) Lily and one of my best guy friends, Cade. They live in Florida. 

I'm so tired... 

9:26 p.m. 

Maybe I'm just bored... 

 

9:32 p.m.

Dylan's cheerfulness is getting on my nerves. 

9:41 p.m.

I'm sitting at my desk, that's why I posted little things so close together. 

I've come to the conclusion that when the weather gets hot, I get a little bit of insomnia because I can't sleep when I'm hot. That bothers me. 

Peace

-A

The Cave - Mumford & Sons :D

At the beginning of this school year, September 1st, I weighed 140 lbs.
Today I was at Jessicas aunt's house when I weighed myself on the scale.
129.9 lbs.
The only things I've changed about my diet was switching from Mountain Dew to water and I'm walking a lot more then I used too. I've lost 11 pounds and I feel so accomplished.
I feel better about myself.
Since switching to water, my skin has cleared up and I feel healthier.
Although, I still get winded from running up the stairs and walking uphill for to long.
... That could be the pots fault.
So I'm thinking of cutting down on it drastically.
I'm not going to be doing it almost every day like I used to be. I like feeling healthier. I feel like a better person. I'm happier and less cranky. I've been sleeping better and not having as many nightmares as I used to have.
... Healthy eating, here I come.
- Okay, that sounded ridiculous.
Whatever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've come to the firm decision to tell Jacob that I like him.  
The next time I'm at Lauren's house, I'm walking straight into his fucking room and saying that I think he's really super fucking cute.
I don't care about Tyler. I like Jacob.
How do I know?
I was walking to the parking lot after school today with my friend Anna and I saw him. She was talking but for the moment that he walked by, I didn't hear a word she said. I was completely focused on him and his cut blonde hair that's sort of in his face.
.. He's really tall :)
I like tall guys. Tyler was a little shorter than me.
Jacob has some muscle *melting at just the though O.o*
Tyler was scrawny.
So there. Jacob has two physical characteristics that I highly enjoy in a guy.
Tyler lacked those.
~~~~~~~~~
You need to check these songs out.
Random, ha ha :)

Make it stop (September's children) - Rise Against
Tighten up - The Black Keys.
The Cave - Mumford & Sons
The Distance & Love you madly - Cake

Those songs are stuck in my head right now.
I fucking love each and every one of them so much.

Peace
-A