".. A dream you dream together is reality." - John Lennon

The title has nothing to do with the post, at least I don't think so.
Anyways my mom's mom has left. Finally. I was asked why I hate my grandmother so much. Here's my reason; My older brother is her favorite. He always has been. She has 8 grandchildren and out of the 8 I'm the only one who isn't a favorite because she can't get sympathy from me. What I mean is this. I have to cousins. One is blind and the other is mentally handicapped. They're sisters. Whenever she talks about them to her friends, they give her sympathy about how hard it must be to have two challenging grandkids. The others are like that too except for Christian and Asia. They're her favorites because their parents are rich and live in this huge home. Nathan's her favorite because he had a southern rebellion a while ago and it still gets sympathy, I assume. Alley and Joe are her favorites because there is something psychologically wrong with the both of them. I was her favorite for about a year when I was in the 3rd grade because I was in the hospital but when I got out and got better, it was like I never existed.
She always visits on Nathan's birthdays. She always pays more attention to him. She always gets him the better things and I always get the hand-me-downs. She won't even visit me on my birthday and I'm lucky if I even get a call or card from her. This used to bother me, ya know? Like, why doesn't Grandma love me too? But now, I just don't care. And when she visited she wanted to do all this stuff with me and I was never around. So my mom bitched at me until I would go do something with them and I only did something with them 4 times out of the 10 days she was here. She complained about never seeing me and wanting to spend time with me and in my head I'm thinking, "You had 15 fucking years to spend time with me and you're choosing to complain now that I never spend time with you? Sorry old lady but you lost your chance." 
I know people have bigger problems in life than this, I just needed to let my frustration out.
I am not going to be her puppet. I'm not going to bend over backwards to make her happy. I don't care how much stress my mom gets put through because of it. This lady had her chance to spend time with me and she chose not to do so. She can suck it up and fucking deal with it. It used to hurt knowing that I wasn't he favorite. Now I'm glad that I'm not. Cause I don't have to worry about disappointing her like the other kids do. And I don't think of her as my grandmother. In fact I never call her that unless my mom is around. And I know the way I dress and the music I listen to bothers her so I turned up the volume on both just to irritate her. I fucking hate her. With a passion.

On a lighter note: My Chemical Romance is in 2 days (:
... Or 1, I should say. Seeing as it's 1 in the morning.
Well.. Night.


Peace
-A

Family Get Together... Yay...

My mom's mom is going to be here tomorrow. From the 13-23. Yay.
She's Mormon so that means no coffee *mental shudder in horror*, no swearing, no friends, no foul mouthed shows/movies/videos, no overly loud screamo music, no dark clothes, etc.

But of course I'm going to break as many of those rules as possible. It's in my nature to cause mischief. Even if it's just small mischief.
I hate it when my mom's family visits or when we visit them. Some of them are cool. Like Alexann. She's partially blind but she's still the coolest one. She wants to smoke weed with me for her first time. I've turned her on to some of my favorite bands. She looks up to me, I guess you could say. I just hate it when she copies me. I don't care if she looks up to me, I care if she copies me. Then we have a problem. No one should copy other people. Everyone should have their own style and own up to it.
Anyways; My mom's mom is going to annoy the hell out of me. Why? Because she's going to give my mom hell because I dress darkly (although in my opinion I don't think so. To them, I do) and because I listen to aggressive music. Well fuck her. The old bitch can deal with it. I hate it when she bitches at my mom cause then my mom bitches at me. It's my grandmothers way of bitching at me. It's annoying as fucking hell. It really is.

I've been reading sixbillionsecrets.com  recently and that website is extremely depressing.
I've read 756 pages so far. Not in one day, though.
I know what I'm going to do throughout my sophomore year, though. Nothing bad. Something good.
Something that I hope will help people throughout the year.

I've got nothing more to say.


Peace
-A

Biggest Regret. Ever.

In my other post I mentioned how I regretted giving Spencer my virginity. What no one knows is how greatly I regret my decision. It's the biggest mistake I have ever made and I've made some pretty big mistakes. But this is the icing on the cake.

If I had the money, I would get surgery to replace my Hymen. Just so I could give my virginity over to someone who actually loves me and not some horny teenage boy who just wants sex. I want to take it back so badly, I would go through the pain of losing it again. That is how great my regret is. I also feel guilty for losing it so early and to someone who never loved me. I'm not completely sure as to why I feel so guilty but I do.


I wish I could take it back. Oh so much.
But what's done is done. Though I wish otherwise.


I feel like shit, ya know?
I made the conscious decision to hand it over without really thinking. I should have stopped. Thought about it. Considered the outcome of how I might feel afterwards. But no. I had to be all gun-ho about the whole damn thing and now look at me. I'm constantly reminded about losing it and each time I'm reminded, I feel like I'm getting punched in the gut.

Losing your virginity is no joke.
I now know why people are so careful about handing it over to someone. I always just thought they were prudes but now I know they are the smart ones. I was the stupid one.

I've gotta stop talking about this. It's making me extremely depressed.


Peace
-A

Awake My Soul.

I regret giving my virginity to Spencer. Now that I think about it, it was a mistake. A mistake I can't take back. And we ended our relationship the other day.... If you can even call it a relationship. Ashli was right. I was in love with the attention I was finally getting from him. Not him. And I feel stupid for believing that I was.

He is one of the most immature 18 year olds that I have ever met. He acts like a 10 year old boy sometimes and honestly, it always kind of annoyed me. Not that I would ever admit that when I was with him. I denied it cause then I couldn't agree with my friends and answer their questions as to why I was still with him. I was with him because I liked him for so long.. And kinda still do. Although, not as much.
It finally hit me that he never really cared for me when he started telling me how much he wanted his ex, Jenna. That hurt quite a bit. But I was extremely happy when he brought up the fact that he felt like we weren't even dating. Cause I had been feeling like that since day one. I just didn't want to admit it cause I felt like if I admitted it, it would be more true.

Anyways; I'm glad I'm done with him. We're still friends but I don't really want to talk to him. Not after what happened. I think it'll be awkward.

I'm kinda done with the whole 'dating' thing. Too much drama, pain, and bullshit come from it and I'm done with dealing with that. There's a reason I avoid dating, though it may seem like I don't avoid it.
Okay, I have a pretty big Henna tattoo drying on my left hand so I'm gonna go before it gets too fucked up.

Peace
-A

Privacy.

I know it's been awhile since I last posted but it's not like the world is gonna end if I don't post every week.
Anyways, what's up with the title? Well here's the very short story;
I was at Lauren's with Jessica and we were kinda stoned out of our minds. I was having a bad trip cause I swear to God, or whoever, that I was hallucinating. I kept seeing things and they were scaring the shit out of me. Anyways, I was laying on my back and Jess & Lauren were sitting up. Jess saw something on my stomach and asked what it was. I told her it was nothing. And it is nothing.
I know you guys love me but I. Am. Fine. I'm not trying to be mean but what is on my stomach is my business and I know how to handle it. I don't need you guys to keep asking. And I know you haven't been pestering about it but just forget about it. One of the main reasons why I wrote this post was to basically to tell you guys that I'm okay. Trust me.

I really don't have anything else to say so.... Bye, I guess.



Peace
-A