In my other post I mentioned how I regretted giving Spencer my virginity. What no one knows is how greatly I regret my decision. It's the biggest mistake I have ever made and I've made some pretty big mistakes. But this is the icing on the cake.
If I had the money, I would get surgery to replace my Hymen. Just so I could give my virginity over to someone who actually loves me and not some horny teenage boy who just wants sex. I want to take it back so badly, I would go through the pain of losing it again. That is how great my regret is. I also feel guilty for losing it so early and to someone who never loved me. I'm not completely sure as to why I feel so guilty but I do.
I wish I could take it back. Oh so much.
But what's done is done. Though I wish otherwise.
I feel like shit, ya know?
I made the conscious decision to hand it over without really thinking. I should have stopped. Thought about it. Considered the outcome of how I might feel afterwards. But no. I had to be all gun-ho about the whole damn thing and now look at me. I'm constantly reminded about losing it and each time I'm reminded, I feel like I'm getting punched in the gut.
Losing your virginity is no joke.
I now know why people are so careful about handing it over to someone. I always just thought they were prudes but now I know they are the smart ones. I was the stupid one.
I've gotta stop talking about this. It's making me extremely depressed.
Peace
-A
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