Scum bag, I left you for a reason.

As you know, I dated a boy named Tyler in the 8th grade. And to be honest, we weren't exactly official but it was so plainly obvious we were together.
I fell in love with him very quickly. he was.. Is quite the little charmer. He won me over by saying the right things and always being there for me.... Even when I had my emotional outbursts... Which, by the way, are NOT pretty.
We both got along great. And I always told him I loved him. Every chance I got.
And, I'm not a creep. Trust me. But I was over the moon for this kid... And still am. A little.
ANYWAY; He would always reply with "I love you too, Boo <33"
His nickname for me was "Boo" and mine for him was, "TyTy"

He was such a sweet heart to me that I never guessed what he was doing behind my back.
We both lived an hour away from each other so our relationship was always kind of strained but you know, I tried extremely hard to make it work.
And I thought I was doing a good job.

Anyway, about 7 months into our relationship, he just stops texting me. At first, I think he got his phone taken until I was informed from my best friend, Toni Nicole, that he was dating another girl. One who went to his, and my old, school. I was crushed.
I later found out he was with his friends Karina, Molly & Alaina.
For the next month and a half, I ignored it. I got it into my head that he came back to me. And only me.
It was like that for awhile before he said that, and I quote,

"Oh come on. You had to have looked at other guys and you know we weren't really official. I always just thought of you as a friend with benefits. The only thing I had to do in return was say i loved you. And it worked."


As you can imagine, I was crushed. I lost all interest in everything I find enjoyable.
Writing, Art, Soccer, Beach & Hanging with friends.

And right when I'm starting to get over him, he calls me.
"Oh, I might've given you Mono." Click. 
Dial tone.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

You did WHAT???!!

So I got tested and thankfully, I'm clean. And he still has his testicles. 

Cause if that boy gave me an STD, I would've ripped off his nut sack and fed it to my dogs. 

All the while, laughing. 

So, I stopped talking to him and he blew threw his girls like the little player he is. 

Until, oh I don't know, two days ago? 

Maybe one. I can't remember. 

But he texts me, as I'm trying to get over him cause I still love him, crazy I know,  and says, 

"Boo, I miss you <3"

And all this other shit. 

I started getting mad. I was swearing at him and I straight up told him to leave me the fuck alone. I didn't need his bullshit in my life right now. He started getting mad, asking why I wouldn't forgive him and shit like that. I was like, excuse me? You cheated on me. I don't want you in my life. 

.... Although, I miss him like crazy. I'm still in love with him. Deeply in love with him. 

And it pains me that we had to end that way and that I'm not with him anymore. 

Cause I was considering suicide... Melodramatic, I know, but I was horribly crushed and I didn't know if the pain would ever end. Now, it's just a dull pain in my chest whenever I remember him. 

He is the reason, according to Jessica's logical theory, that my subconscious is protecting me. 

It sets up high alerts when I start to really like a guy. Because it knows I don't want to go through that intense pain again so it makes me end it before I get hurt. 

I hurt people before they hurt me. 

I fucking hate it. 

Because I really want to tell Jacob that I think he's super fucking cute. 

Jessica was able to tell my brother, Nathan, that she likes him. 

Why can't I tell Jacob? 

Tyler. That's why. 

That boy, and I say boy for a reason, has put me through too much. 

But, as crazy and irrational as it sounds, I would go back to him in a heart beat. 

He never treated me bad. He just smashed my heart and soul into tiny little pieces. 

I'm pretty sure he cheated 80% of the 8-9 months we were together. 

I fucking hate him. But I still love him. 

I hate this so fucking much!

Why can't I just get over him already? I live on the other side of the country now. He's probably with some girl right now. Why can't I just let this end? Get over him? Why? Why? Why?

I'm tired. 

Night. 

Peace

-A

Hopelessness.

I feel so lost.
I hate admitting my feelings but I need to start finding ways of getting them out without inflicting harm upon myself like I used too.

I just gave up one of my major beliefs earlier and I'll be honest, I'm a little crushed.
Normally, I'm the fighter. I used to always drag happiness, kicking and screaming, out from under a boulder. But now?
Fuck it.
It isn't worth it.

I'm not saying this stuff for attention. I'm really not. If I wanted attention, I'm sure I could find some other way to attract it.
I'm saying this because I need too. I need to say it to someone. Anyone. 


I want to believe in love again. I want to find that person who will change my opinion. I want that person who will always be there for me. I want to be the girl who is his world. But it isn't going to happen.
Why?

Because love is fake. 

It isn't an emotion. It's a natural disaster. It kills people, it causes people to do irrational things. It causes pain, loss & death. I want it but I know it isn't going to happen.
Because the one boy I have ever truly 'loved', shattered my heart. Ripped it to shreds. Poured acid on the stitching, time and time again. He was cruel to me in the end.  He is the one who has made me the insecure person I am today.
I used to be an individual. But now? I'm a follower. I don't step out from the others as much as I used too. I hide. I hide behind my mask of confidence and happiness when in reality, I just want to break down.

I can hide my pain extremely well. Only when I tell people do they realize what I'm going through.
I'm not that happy, confident, sweet girl I used to be. I'm bitter now.

And ever since Tyler, I've gotten worse.
Every time I hurt someone, it feels like my soul is being torn. I feel like a horrible person.
And I know I am every time I leave someone in my haste to get away.

I run away all the time.
I can never just say "I love you"
Because I would be lying.




I hate myself for all of this.
Bottom line; Love is no longer in my list of beliefs. It has been evicted.
And I hate that. But Love just doesn't seem right to me anymore.


I kind of went all over in the post.
Whatever. I'm off to bed.


Peace
-A

Posting marathon & stupid idiots.

Jess and I are trying to pull an all nighter. No, she's not with me. We're texting each other. 

And the both of us are gonna keep up a continuous string of posts tonight... Or, at least, try. 

I dunno. I'm feeling kind of depressed at the moment. 

Or it could be boredom... Or both. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

I've decided to give up on love. 

I'm not saying it doesn't exist, I'm just saying I doubt it'll find me. 

And yes, I'm 14. But love knows no age. People fall in love at 14 all the time. 

I'm just fucking sick of the shit I put people through and the shit I get put through. 

It's too much effort and I'm honestly a lazy person. 

I'm giving up. 

And normally, I hate giving up but now.. Fuck it. I don't fucking care anymore. Love can just skip over me now- Oh wait! It already did! It practically shit on my parade. No, it couldn't just rain. It had to humiliate me by shitting on me. 

Cupid's a prick. 

I don't even know what to say anymore. 

I am just so fucking sick & tired of this whole leaving people before they hurt me drama. 

It puts too much strain on everyone and I end up hurting really good people. 

Im not trying to sound shallow, I'm just saying that it's getting tiring. 

And fuck, this is MY blog. You got a problem, go blow yourself. 

Yeah, I'm mean. 

Deal. 

Basically to sum it all up; 

I want to fall hard for Jacob. 

I want Jacob to fall hard for me. 

But I know this will never happen. 

Because if I tell him, he might get interested and then I'll just be like "Oh, this isn't working. Bye!"

I already know that if I ever get married (fat chance) that I'm gonna be the parent that books it and my kids will end up hating me for leaving. I fucking HATE commitment. It's like dragging nails along a chalk board. It makes my skin crawl. But yet, I still date. 

... Maybe because I'm trying to find that one guy, or girl, that I honestly like. 

I'm not saying I never liked D or Tommy, it's just that I lost interest too quickly. To the point were it isn't healthy. 

I don't want a huge romantic/tragic way of finding my first love, I just want it to be simple. 

Like a simple; "I like you." & "I like you, too."

That's it. That's all that I want. 

No strings attached. 

But nope. 

Can't make it that easy. Cupid has to make it as fucking difficult as possible. 

God, I am just so sick and tired of this shit. 

I don't want to give up on love. Not at all. 

But what's the point in having hope in something that I doubt will ever happen to me?

I am no quiter, believe me, but I just don't have any more fight in me. I've been tamed. And I absolutely hate it. 

I really, really, want to fall very hard for Jacob and him for me. 

But it won't, and can't, happen.

Shit hits the fan too quickly when you're with me. 

I'm a bad luck charm. 

I really am. 

Peace

-A

Been there. Done that.

K is trying to guilt trip me into falling for her again.

Sorry girl. I've been down that road. It ain't gonna work (:
I'll still be your friend but that's it. I'm done with dealing your emotional bullshit. All you do is bring me down with you and you make me feel depressed when I seriously don't need more of it. I have my own shit to deal with.
*Metaphorical shit, Jess.*
She always, always, tries to make it difficult to be friendly with her. She treats every person that I like, like a piece of shit. She hates everyone I have a crush on.
I am sick and tired of her crap.
She has other friends she can drag down but I'm done. I'm tired of the guilt trips, the manipulating and the lies. The looks I get from people just because I'm talking to her. I don't like it. It bugs me.
I'll never just drop her, no, but I'm not gonna just stand by and let her control my life like I'm her marionette.
I am fucking done.



~~~~~~~~

Turns out, I really do like Jacob.
... In the physical sense, of course.
I hardly know anything about him. But I'm pretty sure, from what Lauren has told me, he's a good guy.
I'm just worried that if I tell him, he gets interested, that I'm gonna crush him.
Then what am I gonna do?
How will I be able to face him? Let alone face his little sister whom I love dearly.
I don't want to lose her respect and I don't want to crush him.

That's what I am.
I am the crusher.
I make sure everyone is happy and things are going good then I crush 'em.
I feel horrible.
I feel like I will never be able to get over this and that I'll just leave a wake of heartbreak behind me.
*The song "Love you madly - Cake" rings a bell. Look it up. It'll help you to understand what it is that I feel. Creds. to Jess for showing me the song (:* 
I feel like I will never find love when I so desperately want it. I want to be in love with someone who isn't gonna cheat on me like Tyler. Who isn't gonna use me like Frank. Who isn't gonna spread lies about me like Aaron. Who isn't gonna accuse me of using him like Cade. Who isn't gonna just leave when someone better comes along like Kyle.
I want someone who will never cheat on me, who will never use me, who will stop the person starting lies about me, who will never accuse me of anything and who will always be by my side even when temptation comes along.
I just want someone. I don't care if it's a girl or a boy.
I want to feel what real love is like. Not this fake crap.
I'm still hopeful it will come because I am an optimist when it comes to things like love & happiness.
Although, I'm slowly losing my faith in that.
The only people who want me are players.
Why do I fall for the players?



Why?




I am so sick of this love bullshit.
I can never just stay with someone without hurting them & and all they ever want from me is action.

Well here's a fucking news flash!


I'm not a cheap whore who puts out to every person who asks!!


I'm fucking sick and tired of this shit.

I, honestly, want to see what it would be like to fall hard for Jacob.
And have him fall for me.
But no.

I can't even let him guess that I like him because then we are both fucked.
Cause I might break his heart and I'll feel like a cheap slut.




I fucking hate this so fucking much. 

It's shit like this that makes me do things I'm ashamed of.
I just hold everything in and when I snap, it's not pretty.
I don't snap often but sometimes I just can't take it anymore.




I want to fall in love.
Bottom line.


Peace
-A

Waoh..

Lauren's parents decided to take back Lauren being grounded so Jess & and I ended up being able to stay for 2 nights.
On our little adventure at Lauren's house, we took over 60 photos on my little digital camera *Which, by the way, I love to death* and we smoked pot.
Lauren and Jessica didn't smoke that much. I however, wanted to get rip-roaring stoned but appairently, I'm too loud when I'm high so Jess wouldn't let me take more hits. Oh well. Now that I think about it, it was probably a good idea. Cause I would've woken up Lauren's parents which would not have been good. Obviously.

But last night I had this major discovery hit me.
I like Lauren's older brother, Jacob.
I'm the first ever girl of Lauren's friends to like her brother... According to Jessica.
He's against smoking * :( *, he loves Mountain Dew * :D *, he's a skater * <3 /  :D *
And when I finally figured out that I really did like him was when all three of us were in his room and Lauren was telling him something. He was on his bed, legs crossed, doing his homework. He had just gotten out of the shower so his hair was all wet and messy and, and, and...... God, it was fucking adorable....

Only one problem...
Turns out my ex, Tyler, who I'm still a little in love with, has fucked me over so bad that I end it with guys before they hurt me. Because I was with Tyler for a little over 8-9 months. And he cheated on me for 80% of the time.
It's because of him I'm so indecisive about guys. He's the reason why I get so paranoid and annoyed with guys so quickly. I'm worried they're gonna do the same thing to me that Tyler did. And I don't want that.
And another problem, I really wanna tell Jacob that I like him but I'm scared that once I do, and if he becomes interested, I'm gonna get bored and drop him like nothing ever happened and I really don't want that. It fucking sucks.

Also...
And I feel so fucking shallow...
But I'm kind of worried about what people will say. Because I go from guy to guy so quickly. And I hurt all of them so much. I don't want to be labeled as a heartless bitch who just moves from guy to guy. But I feel like it. I honestly do. And I hate that.

I wish I wasn't like this but I don't know how to change it. I really wanna tell Jacob but I dunno..


Okay, Jess was in the shower and now she's out so I'm gonna go so she can read this.


Peace
-A

Immature Much?

I got in a fight with Jessica's older sister, Megan.
I asked her a simple question and she asks why's it my business & who I am. *I texted her and she, obviously, didn't have my number* so I told her and she said it wasn't any of my business so why do I care? I fucking care cause what I asked her, I was gonna help pay for it. That's it.
End of conversation, right?
Wrong.

She texts my like, 5-10 minutes later saying that her boyfriend, Matt, thinks I'm a whore.
And trust me, coming from him, that's not an insult. Her boyfriend is the poster child for cheating dirt bag. So I say that it's not much of an insult and then we get in a huge argument.

Turns out, I'm a two-faced, vindictive, manipulative, boyfriend stealing whore.

It's funny, cause I never knew ANY of this about myself. Not at all. But appairently she knows all about me. She hasn't even known me for a year but yet she knows all of this and I don't. Cause, ya know, I haven't known myself for 14, almost 15, years now. No, not at all.

Oh yeah! I also want her boyfriend.
Weird, cause I always thought Matt was kind of gross.
But no, I think he's the hottest shit around.

Seems like Megan knows more about me then I know about myself.



She also said that I'm all talk.
Really? Cause you're telling me this over TEXTING . Hypocritical much? 


I think so. 




Whatever. 
She pisses me off. I never had a problem with her before. In fact- I actually liked hanging out with her when we so rarely did. But now? Fuck that. 
Fuck it all. 
Bitch ain't got nothing on me. 




Speaking of bitches; Lauren, a good, and TRUE,  friend of mine got grounded cause she called our algebra teacher a bitch. 


WOO! GO LAUREN :D 


But now Jess & I can't go to her house :( 
Fucking sucks.

I'm in a pretty bad mood right now. Like, I'm about to rip some new ass cracks in someone if they rub me the wrong way.


Oh yes. And to top off the cake with some icing, my iPod broke.
My purple Nano. I dropped it in the Albertsons parking lot and now the screen is spider-webbed.
Fucking fantastic.



fml.

Peace
-A

OMG (FT. WILL.I.AM) - USHER

So when a religious person says,
"Where's the proof He doesn't exist?", you must say this;

"You can claim anything's real if the only basis you have for believing in it is that no ones proved it doesn't exist."

I got that from a Harry Potter book. Fucking Harry Potter.
To be exact, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows. Page 411.
I told Jessica this. She was quite happy.
As was I.


~~~~

Recap:
So I haven't been on the internet for awhile because I've been grounded. Why? Grades.
Psh, whatever.
I'll pass. I know I will.

But I figured that I miss D. I miss him so much.
I fucked up. I know I did. But I'm not going back for him.
What we had is over. Done with. Zip. Zilch. Nada.
And that hurts me.
He wanted to ask me back out but I told him not to do it.
Because things would go back to the way they were. And I don't want that. Not again.
Oh well.

~~~~
K asked me out.
Well, the conversation went a little like this;

K: I miss you babygirl. 
K: Are you mad at me?
Me: I'm not mad. I'm just getting the feeling that every time I like someone you try and destroy the image I have of that person. I dunno. I just feel like that you want to keep me all to yourself. 
K: Oh. Well I was gonna ask you something but nevermind. 
ME: Tell me.
K: It's pointless now. 
ME: How is it pointless?
K: I saw you holding hands with Kalani and I got sad. I wanted to ask you out but you don't like the feeling of being controlled. The only person who was there for me was Sarah (FYI; I do NOT  like Sarah) And if we went out, I would want to be with you all the time and I wouldn't want Kalani to be around you...
ME: Well, that wouldn't work. 
K: Yeah. Maybe this was a bad idea. 
ME: Yeah, it kinda is. 
K: Well, I'm gonna go. But remember that I'm always here for you. Love you. 
ME: Love you too.


That was the entire conversation.
If you haven't figured it out; I'm Bi.
So is K. But she has a boyfriend. His name is Jesse. He's okay. He treats her likes shit though and she cheats on him. I should know. She was my first time. With a girl, anyways.
K was the first person I ever smoked with & and had sex with.
This girl kind of means something to me although she can be a controlling be-otch.

God, I have so many fucking problems when it comes to relationships.


~~~~
As of today, Sunday May 22nd, 2011.
I have 18 days until I turn 15. I can not fucking wait.
Why?
Uhm, I'm getting my permit.
I'm gonna smoke with Jess. Cause she smokes now :)
I'm getting my permit.
I'm getting my permit.

.. Seeing a pattern?
So, that's really basically it.

Peace
-A

Rant numero uno.

*This is a rant that is to someone. Though they will never read this.*

I’m going to copy & paste the conversation. Cause I’m lazy. 

SCOTT: Don't you durr me! Haha I'll durr you back! And much harder! And I try and think positive but I also think realistically as well.

ME: Logical thoughts do not always help you in the long run. 

Sometimes, the most illogical things will help you the most & make you the happiest.

SCOTT: I know that, and all to well. I can't help it though. That's part of the reason I'm so depressed. I'll never get over it though. My life's never going anywhere and I've accepted that.

ME: Well, duh. But only because you're thinking that. 

Fuck, I have no money for college. But I'm still going. 

You can't think about the negatives all the time. Start thinking about the positives and good things will happen. Sure, it'll take some time and it won't be obvious. 

Subtle little things will start to happen and soon you'll notice that the days are becoming better and you will, essentially, become a happier person. 

But if you keep saying, "I'll never get over it though", than you won't get over it. You wanna start getting over it, you gotta start thinking, "I'm going to get over it."

It's called something really scientific and fancy but basically what I'm saying is YOU have to make up your mind about being a happier person before you become one. And yeah, it's a long ass process but the reward is worth it.

SCOTT: If you say so. Im not sure I can make a positive mindset. Ive tried, and it helped but not for long. I don't really have anything to hold onto in life anymore. There's nothing I want to see or do. Most people hate me anyways. If I could go back in time and get my lungs back I would at least have that. That's all I ever really had in the first place.

ME: Dammit Scott! 

I'm not trying to be mean but get the fuck over it. 

You want to be happier person. Than start fucking acting like it. Stop complaining about it because your life could be a hell of a lot worse than what is now. You could have NO friends at all. You could have a family who wants to see you dead. You could be fucking HOMELESS. But you aren't. In todays world, you have a damn good life, okay? So stop your bitching and put a smile on your fucking face, ya hear?

SCOTT: ;( you yelled at me. Haha jk I hear yah. I don't mean to bitch and complain. I know what I have to do. I don't want to do anything anymore though is what I'm saying. I'm a very happy person, trust me. But at the end of the day nothing matters to me anymore. There's probably some crazy weird condition that I have or something. Don't worry about what I say. I'm just a deluded prick coon fat lazy stupid mother fucker.

ME: Yeah, I fucking yelled at you cause you're pissin' me off. 

It isn't a crazy weird condition. It's called giving up at the end of the day. Whatever. You wanna be a depressed person, go right ahead. 

Don't say I didn't try and help you.

SCOTT: Chill bro. Chill. We're on the same side here. I've taken everything you've said onto account. I'm sorry I've pissed you off. What can I do to make it up to you?

This conversation pissed me off. And I wanted to fucking rant. But no. Blogspot had to choose now to go down. Stupid piece of shit. My ranting rage is running out so bye. 

Peace 

-A

I wanna get high - Cypress Hill

I've come the conclusion that I am a stoner.
Never thought I become that but I am. I am a stoner.


And I like it.


So today I skipped study hall cause I had a really bad headache and my dad thought I was faking but I wasn't. So we spent the better part of 1st period arguing and finally I just shout, "Fine! Take me to school and when I come back with a pissy attitude and a horrible headache, DO NOT yell at me when I snap at you. You asked for this." He said "Whatever." and took me to school.
When I got there, I ran into K & Melanie cause K was walking Melanie back to school and K was gonna go hang with Dane for the day. Well, I had already missed study hall and first so I figured, "What the hell?" and left with K. We met up with Dane and met up with Pip the Englishman *I'm not gonna say our dealers real name for obvious reasons.*  and we got so fucking high. So we went to McDonalds for the munchies, right? Bad idea. About 10 minutes after we get our food, my dad pulls up. And I'm in this huge round booth all the way on the inside. So I start pushing Pip outta the booth as fast as I could, grabbed my stuff and booked it the bathroom. I had to stay in there for at least 15 minutes before my dad left.

Today was good though. Pip & Dane are, technically, my dealers now and I get good deals. Wow.... I sound like a total pot head. Which I am. Oh well.

Anyways; So after Pip left we smoked the stuff we bought *Pip let us smoke outta his bag that he deals from. He had a lot of fucking weed. So basically, it's the grower and than it's Pip & than it's you. And everything he sells is organic. No laced stuff.*
And it got cold real quick. I was wearing Danes jacket up until we had to leave to make it to school on time. He gave me his flannel. I'm wearing it right now. It's really comfy and I don't wanna give it back but I kinda have too. Oh well. But I felt like today was a good day. And I'm kinda pissed it wasn't all sunny and warm today. It had to be cold & rainy.

.... Karma wanted us to return to school. Uh, yeah right.
Like I'm going back to school when I can't even stand up straight, red eyes, reeking of weed & laughing at everything. It would be so plainly obvious that I was high that I could not make up any excuses to cover my ass. It would just be too obvious. So me & K stayed out in the rain although we found some dry places to hang out.

I feel bad though. I told Jessica that I had a migraine, which was true, but I was with K, Dane & Pip when she texted me. So I just told her I was at home. I dunno... I just feel like we'll grow apart cause I'm hanging with all the pot heads now and we won't be as good of friends as we were are. There was a time where we were super close and than it kind of faded but now we're close again. Which is good.
So, Jess, sorry for lying to you.
I know you'll read this post cause I'm about to text you and tell you that I just wrote another post.
I wish I had more followers. But I could have none. So I'm gonna stop complaining.

Oh yeah! I got home around 3 and I woke up around 7:34. I'm still fucking tired as hell.


Peace
-A

Today was good.

I ended my thing with Gage. He scares me.
My friend K got a cut and he asked, and I quote,
Gage; "Do you have aids?"
K; "....No?"
Gage; "Can I like up the blood?"
K; "... Uh, no?"
The rest of us, Tamika, me, & Dane Foster were like "WTF?! Did he really just ask that????"
But we got over it cause he had weed and we wanted to go get high.
So we did.
I took one hit, coughed it all out cause it was way to strong, and got high of my ass.
Gage was clinging all over me and that was pissing me off. I mean really pissing me off.
And if you ever smoke with me, I'm usually giddy, talkative & constantly laughing so hard I can't breath & I've got tears running down my face from laughing. I'm a happy person.
But he was just not letting me have space.
And when I wanted to get up and sit by K, he wrapped his arm around my waist and would not let me get up. And I didn't want to start shit cause Dane had plenty of knives on him so I just stayed put.
But when we all got up and left, Gage went to the McDonalds up the path and we went to the park the other way. I was glad to get rid of him.

Oh yeah, he tried to manipulate me by saying, and again I quote,
"... I'm just a piece of shit. You deserve someone better. Your so pretty and smart and I don't deserve to be with a girl like you. I'm just a homeless piece of shit, I'm going no where in life. All I'm gonna do is drag you down. Ily." 
My first though was, "We haven't even known each other for more than two weeks and he loves me? He just wants action."
So I gave him a diplomatic answer and just said,
"Hey. You scare me. That whole blood thing with K was just weird. You're nice and all but you're way too old, you scare me & you make me extremely nervous. And not in the whole 'Oh, you make me nervous cause I like you' way." 
He just said goodbye after that.
I felt so relieved, there is no way to explain it. It was just amazing.
I used to be paranoid walking the streets of my town cause I was worried he would jump out from somewhere and attack me cause I wasn't with him. But now I don't have to worry about it.
He tried to make me feel bad so I would stay with him and in my mind I was thinking, "Uh, been there. Done that. Not gonna work again."
I'm thinking about going totally lesbian.
Guys are just too much work.
But I know that's never gonna happen.


The problem is, I'm tired of being played. I always get played. And I'm sick of it.
I want a guy who will fall madly in love with me and I'll fall madly in love with him but I always lose interest after awhile and it's always after I tell the guy I like him. And when I find who guy who just wants pussy, I fall for him. I'm so..... dumb when it comes to choosing a good guy. And when I find I good guy, I always find something wrong with him. And it bothers me from then on.
I'm such a little player sometimes and when it happens to me, I get pissed.
I'm a hypocrite and I hate those.
.... I just want love basically. And I want it soon.
I want the guy who will give me butterflies just from having him look at me. I want to look at another guy and find no interest in him but the one I like. I want a guy who will let me wear his jacket although it's fucking freezing and his nuts will fall off from the cold. I want the guy who will win over my parents. I want the guy who will deal with my random and aggressive outbursts.
I just want something that isn't real.
And I'm sacred it's never going to happen.
I'm too picky. I want that emo boy, ya know? The cute, quite one. The artist or musician. Something like that. And a nice body.
... I want something that isn't real.


*le sigh* Oh well...


Peace
-A

Hello, Goodbye.

So on friday, I do believe I shattered my best friends' beliefs about religion and things like that.
Ashli, Lauren & Jessica were at my house friday night and we had the house to ourselves. It was roughly 11 at night and we were setting up the Ouija Board that we had to make because I don't have one. My parents disapprove of it strongly. But hey- I'm a teenage girl. I'm going to break the rules.

So, as I was looking up what to say and how to use it and make sure no evil entities entered my home and/or followed any of us or our family members, Jessica was quite and Lauren and Ashli were talking.

*fast forward to the blood sacrifice*


Ashli said the best way to get a connection was to place blood on the board. So I sliced my finger open (Which is still sore, by the way.) and dropped it on the board. I got my uncle Jason's old army hat that I got after he committed suicide. I began with the usual "Only pure spirits allowed..." when I started listing things about my uncles life. I asked what time of the day he died, night or day? The pointer moved to the moon drawing. My uncle died in the early morning.

*For the record, and I looked this up, the spirits posses you. It's called 'Voluntary Possession' so no one can be blamed for moving the pointer. The spirit makes its energy travel through you to make the pointer move. Besides, my eyes were tightly closed when it started moving.*


The pointer then began to beeline it towards the hat. I got freaked out so I said "GOODBYE" in the strongest voice I could muster and moved the pointer to the "goodbye."


*fast forward to the 7 spirits*


So we decided to do it again after the Witching hour was done and the Demon hour was done. (We tried after the Demon hour began *which is 3 a.m. - 4 a.m.* but we got nothing.) So it was roughly 5 in the morning when we did it again. This time, everyone dropped blood on a brand new board. I did the speaking. I asked if Jason was here, it said yes. I asked if he was happy, another spirit took over and said no. I asked if he remembered me. It moved to yes. It then went to boy/girl. Hovering more over the 'boy', showing there was more guy spirits then girls. It then went to the numbers, 4,5,6,7. It was going to go to 8 but we disconnected.
From all 4 of us (Me, Ashli, Lauren & Jessica) We lost 7 people all together. *We added up our losses with each others* We think that happened because all of us put our blood on the board.

We buried it at the beach next to my house.


~~~~

So Jessica told my brother, Nathan, she likes him.
He asked what she was looking for and she said "I just wanted to know what you thought after I told you that I like you", his reply "She's too young."
She's 15, turning 16 and he's 18. Not gonna be 19 till next year. He doesn't know how old she is. He probably thinks she's 14, like me.
Yeah, I'm young :)

Peace
-A

ATHEISTS & AGNOSTICS UNITE!

So when atheists or agnostics say, "Where's the physical proof God exists?"
Religious people will say "Where's the physical proof he doesn't?"

WE NEED AN ANSWER FOR THAT!
And fast, too!

HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO :D





Peace
-A

Today sucked.

3 stories.

1st story:
So in English we had to recite a monologue from Romeo & Juliet. I memorized a Juliet monologue and was doing great for the first few lines. Then I blanked. Then I had a massive anxiety attack. Just my luck. I ran out of the room cause I was about to get sick. I almost knocked someone over in my flee out the door. It was so embarrassing walking back into class after that. I felt like everyone was staring. God, it was fucking horrible. I hated it. Everyone found out about it after 2nd period. Ugh.

2nd story:
My friend K is mad at me. Cause my other friend was resting their head on my shoulder in health class so , to K, it looked like we were almost making out. Which was so far from the truth. Cause we weren't. My friend is sick and so they, innocently, rested their head on my shoulder. K, you're dumb.

3rd story:
I talked to Gage :)
He gave me his number.. Well not really. He just said it to me as my dad was picking me up from school. So I'm just gonna get it from Tamika. She's like, his best friend. She's friends with all the cute guys at this school. But she's also K's best friend and I dunno if she's mad at me for telling K the truth about what was going on in health class.

I fucking hate drama.

... I have a pudding cup I would like to eat.
I bid you good day, now.

Peace
-A

Am I that bad?

*I don't wanna hear any crap about this post.*


I have a friend named Ashli. She's a really good friend of mine. Love her to death.
She's also gay so that's pretty cool (:
Anyways;
We were walking to our 5th period when she asked me who my next victim was. I asked what she meant.
She said, "You know what I mean." She said it with a smile but I'm not sure if she was kidding or serious. Oh well.

*For the record, I've been with a kid named Tommy & Dylan this year. They both lasted a little over a month.*


And I told her about liking S and Gage. She sad watch out for Gage. He's crazy. Yeah, okay. From what I've seen, he's a total sweet heart. Whatever. But her comment made me think. I go through guys really fast. Maybe it's cause I get bored or it could be the fact I don't care much for dating and I'll only really date a guy if I really like him or if it'll make him happy. But earlier this year Jessica said that it might be because I compare every guy now to a guy I was with in 8th grade. I honestly loved that boy to death. And don't say I'm to young for love cause obviously I'm not, okay? Anyways, that relationship ended a bit bad and, to be honest, I'm still hung up on him a little... Okay, a lot. I miss him. But Jess was right. I compare every guy to that one guy *His name is Tyler* and if they don't meet the criteria that I have, I get bored. I guess I'm just not over Tyler. And then there's Cade. I still like him a lot. 
So Tyler & Cade are the two main guys I'm still over the moon for.
*Random thought; Where did the saying "Over the moon" come from?* 
So because there aren't really any Tyler's or Cade's up here, I'm kind of shit outta luck.
And now I have a feeling that I'm gonna get bored with S and Gage.
Fuck.
I need to take a break from guys all together.
But I know that isn't gonna happen cause there are two other guys that I like a lot.
Spencer & Connor.
Spencer isn't gonna happen. He's got someone and Connor is just kind of like "Oh, he's cute and funny" kind of crush.

OH YEAH!
Then there's Nic. He's the same as Connor.

SHIT!
I like too many guys.

Ugh.
I have a taco salad waiting for me so later.

Peace
-A

Story Time

I've got two stories for you. One short, the other not so much.
Short one first.
*Jessica, please PLEASE don't think of me as a whore after you read the 2nd story. This is what's frustrating me. I trust you that I am NOT Megan. I would NEVER cheat. * 

1st story:
So they girl who called rape on John? Wasn't her. It was her friend.
This girl, "E", just wants drama so she's telling everyone that "M" (girl who called rape) is gonna take this to court. God, E is such a dumb ass.

2nd story:
Okay. So I was with D when I started to flirt with a guy named "S". *FYI: I would never cheat. Just saying.*
Then on 4/20 S and I got so high that we started to tease each other. *Still didn't cheat! Just kind of got each other horny.*
After that day he didn't remember most of it so I figured no harm in telling him what I remembered. Well, I remember some kinky stuff. I told him all of it. Since then, we've been kind of flirting back and forth. And it's gotten a lot more heated now that D and I are done. I feel guilty for talking like that to another guy while I was with D but I never cheated. Didn't even contemplate it. Not once. And S knows that. In fact, he told me he wouldn't have me cheat on D with him. He just said it was fun flirting. And it was. Is.
ANYWAYS;  S and I figured now that I'm not with D that we could have some fun. And we're planning on it.
*I did NOT make D break up with me just so I could have fun with S. That didn't even cross my mind until now. Which is why I'm writing this little side note.*
But then my friend "K" tells me about Gage. And I've met him. He's a total sweet heart. Like, holy shit. He's the kind of guy girls dream about. He's adorable. And he wants true love. I found that interesting. Most guys want action. *S is also similar to Gage. Believe me. *
And I actually got a little sad when I saw him in town today. I was walking around town with Jessica when we stopped in Mcdonalds cause I had to pee. He was there with a girl and they were obviously flirting but Jess says that means nothing. Yeah, okay. And then later on I saw him with two other girls. I don't know if one of them was from the one earlier but it certainly made me a little sad. I tried to forget but then Jessica and I went on this long ass hike up a hill cause we were following a trail and when we weren't talking, I was thinking about Gage and S.
I don't know what to do.
Oh yeah. Today would have been 2 months with D.

I feel like a whore.
I've asked K what to do but she really isn't much help and there isn't really someone I can talk to about this. I could tell Jessica but this is what this post is for. To inform her. I want to ask another friend but she's like Gage's and S's best friend and she's half black. So I'm a bit scared of her.

Fuck.

Peace
-A

Rebound? No thanks.

I have a friend whose name starts with "K".
She suggested that I meet a guy named Gage. She figured I would like him. How she described him kind of intrigued me, "He's a total sweet heart. He'll tell you you're beautiful all the time. He would never pressure you for something sexual though it may seem like it. He's not a horn dog. He, honestly, sees the body as a work of art. He's really artistic that way, like, he would cherish your body and he would look at it like a masterpiece *for the record, I didn't really believe her about the whole 'art' thing*.
And she just continued that way for a while. She made the mistake of calling him a rebound though. I'm not the type of girl who drops one guy and goes on to another. No way. That's just dumb.
It was the way she described him that made me want to meet him. That's all.
I'm not a whore like that.

Anyways;
Art was a bit uncomfortable now that me and "D" are threw. He wants to be friends but I don't think I can do it. Not really. I have a feeling I would do something that would hurt him even more.

Other news: Some bitch called rape on my best friend. His name is John. He didn't rape her.
She's making life fucking hell for him. He's in the school band and he can't even show his face there. She can fucking die. I hate that stupid whore. She's taking it to court. She even admitted to lying. And she's taking him to court.
There is no physical evidence supporting her claim.
ALSO, he's a virgin. Chastity believer and all.
There is no way in HELL he would touch her.

I'm fucking pissed.

Peace
-A

Oh, the wonderful news.

Osama Bin Laden is dead.
That's right.
The asshole who destroyed this country on 9/11.
May those souls who have been lost on that day and the troops who died in the war, Rest In Peace.
I hope that son-of-a bitch died a horrible, agonizing death were he suffered for days on end. I hope he died with fear in his black heart and no loved ones surrounding him. I hope that he died knowing his soul was damned.
And I wish, Oh God do I wish this, that all the souls he's tortured and destroyed, tear him apart.
What he got was fucking karma and I hope she gave him what he deserved.
If there is a hell, he should rot in it for the rest of eternity.
Fuck him.

I fucking love America. I am proud to be an American. I have no problem with it. I love this country. I'm not afraid to say that I am patriotic. There will ALWAYS be an American flag in my home. I don't fucking care if I am in the middle of Iran, surrounded by people who want to kill me, I will be holding something, anything, that let's them know I am an American. If I am accepted into the army, I will willingly lay my life on the line to protect this nation.
I know this sounds overboard but too many people have lost their patriotism and I think that is pathetic. We were, and still should be, one of the strongest nations in this world.
You don't fuck with the United States of America.
Look up "Courtesy of the Red, White & Blue" by Toby Keith.
Fucking love that song.

~~~~
On other news, "D" ended it with me friday. On Tuesday it would have been 2 months.
Not like I really care. I was surprisingly taken aback when he did it.
We were arguing though so it should have been expected.
I did, this pisses me off though, cry a little when he did it. I was depressed and didn't want to be around anyone but then I got mad because I thought, "Why is this affecting me so much? I shouldn't care... Where's my phone? I should text Jessica and tell her I can chill with her and Lauren." 
But yeah, I was kind of depressed but I figured the best way to get over that would to be with people who make me smile. And that is exactly what I did. We hung out by the little ferry dock/marina area that's in our town and just sat on a dock for a good part of the day. It was warm out so we got faint sun burns. I miss that feeling. The slight warmth on your face from a sun burn.
In Florida, were I used to live, it was so common I didn't think anything of it.
But now I miss the constant sunshine.


Okay, I am fucking tired.
I'm going to bed.

Peace
-A