Waoh..

Lauren's parents decided to take back Lauren being grounded so Jess & and I ended up being able to stay for 2 nights.
On our little adventure at Lauren's house, we took over 60 photos on my little digital camera *Which, by the way, I love to death* and we smoked pot.
Lauren and Jessica didn't smoke that much. I however, wanted to get rip-roaring stoned but appairently, I'm too loud when I'm high so Jess wouldn't let me take more hits. Oh well. Now that I think about it, it was probably a good idea. Cause I would've woken up Lauren's parents which would not have been good. Obviously.

But last night I had this major discovery hit me.
I like Lauren's older brother, Jacob.
I'm the first ever girl of Lauren's friends to like her brother... According to Jessica.
He's against smoking * :( *, he loves Mountain Dew * :D *, he's a skater * <3 /  :D *
And when I finally figured out that I really did like him was when all three of us were in his room and Lauren was telling him something. He was on his bed, legs crossed, doing his homework. He had just gotten out of the shower so his hair was all wet and messy and, and, and...... God, it was fucking adorable....

Only one problem...
Turns out my ex, Tyler, who I'm still a little in love with, has fucked me over so bad that I end it with guys before they hurt me. Because I was with Tyler for a little over 8-9 months. And he cheated on me for 80% of the time.
It's because of him I'm so indecisive about guys. He's the reason why I get so paranoid and annoyed with guys so quickly. I'm worried they're gonna do the same thing to me that Tyler did. And I don't want that.
And another problem, I really wanna tell Jacob that I like him but I'm scared that once I do, and if he becomes interested, I'm gonna get bored and drop him like nothing ever happened and I really don't want that. It fucking sucks.

Also...
And I feel so fucking shallow...
But I'm kind of worried about what people will say. Because I go from guy to guy so quickly. And I hurt all of them so much. I don't want to be labeled as a heartless bitch who just moves from guy to guy. But I feel like it. I honestly do. And I hate that.

I wish I wasn't like this but I don't know how to change it. I really wanna tell Jacob but I dunno..


Okay, Jess was in the shower and now she's out so I'm gonna go so she can read this.


Peace
-A