Today was good.

I ended my thing with Gage. He scares me.
My friend K got a cut and he asked, and I quote,
Gage; "Do you have aids?"
K; "....No?"
Gage; "Can I like up the blood?"
K; "... Uh, no?"
The rest of us, Tamika, me, & Dane Foster were like "WTF?! Did he really just ask that????"
But we got over it cause he had weed and we wanted to go get high.
So we did.
I took one hit, coughed it all out cause it was way to strong, and got high of my ass.
Gage was clinging all over me and that was pissing me off. I mean really pissing me off.
And if you ever smoke with me, I'm usually giddy, talkative & constantly laughing so hard I can't breath & I've got tears running down my face from laughing. I'm a happy person.
But he was just not letting me have space.
And when I wanted to get up and sit by K, he wrapped his arm around my waist and would not let me get up. And I didn't want to start shit cause Dane had plenty of knives on him so I just stayed put.
But when we all got up and left, Gage went to the McDonalds up the path and we went to the park the other way. I was glad to get rid of him.

Oh yeah, he tried to manipulate me by saying, and again I quote,
"... I'm just a piece of shit. You deserve someone better. Your so pretty and smart and I don't deserve to be with a girl like you. I'm just a homeless piece of shit, I'm going no where in life. All I'm gonna do is drag you down. Ily." 
My first though was, "We haven't even known each other for more than two weeks and he loves me? He just wants action."
So I gave him a diplomatic answer and just said,
"Hey. You scare me. That whole blood thing with K was just weird. You're nice and all but you're way too old, you scare me & you make me extremely nervous. And not in the whole 'Oh, you make me nervous cause I like you' way." 
He just said goodbye after that.
I felt so relieved, there is no way to explain it. It was just amazing.
I used to be paranoid walking the streets of my town cause I was worried he would jump out from somewhere and attack me cause I wasn't with him. But now I don't have to worry about it.
He tried to make me feel bad so I would stay with him and in my mind I was thinking, "Uh, been there. Done that. Not gonna work again."
I'm thinking about going totally lesbian.
Guys are just too much work.
But I know that's never gonna happen.


The problem is, I'm tired of being played. I always get played. And I'm sick of it.
I want a guy who will fall madly in love with me and I'll fall madly in love with him but I always lose interest after awhile and it's always after I tell the guy I like him. And when I find who guy who just wants pussy, I fall for him. I'm so..... dumb when it comes to choosing a good guy. And when I find I good guy, I always find something wrong with him. And it bothers me from then on.
I'm such a little player sometimes and when it happens to me, I get pissed.
I'm a hypocrite and I hate those.
.... I just want love basically. And I want it soon.
I want the guy who will give me butterflies just from having him look at me. I want to look at another guy and find no interest in him but the one I like. I want a guy who will let me wear his jacket although it's fucking freezing and his nuts will fall off from the cold. I want the guy who will win over my parents. I want the guy who will deal with my random and aggressive outbursts.
I just want something that isn't real.
And I'm sacred it's never going to happen.
I'm too picky. I want that emo boy, ya know? The cute, quite one. The artist or musician. Something like that. And a nice body.
... I want something that isn't real.


*le sigh* Oh well...


Peace
-A