Been there. Done that.

K is trying to guilt trip me into falling for her again.

Sorry girl. I've been down that road. It ain't gonna work (:
I'll still be your friend but that's it. I'm done with dealing your emotional bullshit. All you do is bring me down with you and you make me feel depressed when I seriously don't need more of it. I have my own shit to deal with.
*Metaphorical shit, Jess.*
She always, always, tries to make it difficult to be friendly with her. She treats every person that I like, like a piece of shit. She hates everyone I have a crush on.
I am sick and tired of her crap.
She has other friends she can drag down but I'm done. I'm tired of the guilt trips, the manipulating and the lies. The looks I get from people just because I'm talking to her. I don't like it. It bugs me.
I'll never just drop her, no, but I'm not gonna just stand by and let her control my life like I'm her marionette.
I am fucking done.



~~~~~~~~

Turns out, I really do like Jacob.
... In the physical sense, of course.
I hardly know anything about him. But I'm pretty sure, from what Lauren has told me, he's a good guy.
I'm just worried that if I tell him, he gets interested, that I'm gonna crush him.
Then what am I gonna do?
How will I be able to face him? Let alone face his little sister whom I love dearly.
I don't want to lose her respect and I don't want to crush him.

That's what I am.
I am the crusher.
I make sure everyone is happy and things are going good then I crush 'em.
I feel horrible.
I feel like I will never be able to get over this and that I'll just leave a wake of heartbreak behind me.
*The song "Love you madly - Cake" rings a bell. Look it up. It'll help you to understand what it is that I feel. Creds. to Jess for showing me the song (:* 
I feel like I will never find love when I so desperately want it. I want to be in love with someone who isn't gonna cheat on me like Tyler. Who isn't gonna use me like Frank. Who isn't gonna spread lies about me like Aaron. Who isn't gonna accuse me of using him like Cade. Who isn't gonna just leave when someone better comes along like Kyle.
I want someone who will never cheat on me, who will never use me, who will stop the person starting lies about me, who will never accuse me of anything and who will always be by my side even when temptation comes along.
I just want someone. I don't care if it's a girl or a boy.
I want to feel what real love is like. Not this fake crap.
I'm still hopeful it will come because I am an optimist when it comes to things like love & happiness.
Although, I'm slowly losing my faith in that.
The only people who want me are players.
Why do I fall for the players?



Why?




I am so sick of this love bullshit.
I can never just stay with someone without hurting them & and all they ever want from me is action.

Well here's a fucking news flash!


I'm not a cheap whore who puts out to every person who asks!!


I'm fucking sick and tired of this shit.

I, honestly, want to see what it would be like to fall hard for Jacob.
And have him fall for me.
But no.

I can't even let him guess that I like him because then we are both fucked.
Cause I might break his heart and I'll feel like a cheap slut.




I fucking hate this so fucking much. 

It's shit like this that makes me do things I'm ashamed of.
I just hold everything in and when I snap, it's not pretty.
I don't snap often but sometimes I just can't take it anymore.




I want to fall in love.
Bottom line.


Peace
-A