Hopelessness.

I feel so lost.
I hate admitting my feelings but I need to start finding ways of getting them out without inflicting harm upon myself like I used too.

I just gave up one of my major beliefs earlier and I'll be honest, I'm a little crushed.
Normally, I'm the fighter. I used to always drag happiness, kicking and screaming, out from under a boulder. But now?
Fuck it.
It isn't worth it.

I'm not saying this stuff for attention. I'm really not. If I wanted attention, I'm sure I could find some other way to attract it.
I'm saying this because I need too. I need to say it to someone. Anyone. 


I want to believe in love again. I want to find that person who will change my opinion. I want that person who will always be there for me. I want to be the girl who is his world. But it isn't going to happen.
Why?

Because love is fake. 

It isn't an emotion. It's a natural disaster. It kills people, it causes people to do irrational things. It causes pain, loss & death. I want it but I know it isn't going to happen.
Because the one boy I have ever truly 'loved', shattered my heart. Ripped it to shreds. Poured acid on the stitching, time and time again. He was cruel to me in the end.  He is the one who has made me the insecure person I am today.
I used to be an individual. But now? I'm a follower. I don't step out from the others as much as I used too. I hide. I hide behind my mask of confidence and happiness when in reality, I just want to break down.

I can hide my pain extremely well. Only when I tell people do they realize what I'm going through.
I'm not that happy, confident, sweet girl I used to be. I'm bitter now.

And ever since Tyler, I've gotten worse.
Every time I hurt someone, it feels like my soul is being torn. I feel like a horrible person.
And I know I am every time I leave someone in my haste to get away.

I run away all the time.
I can never just say "I love you"
Because I would be lying.




I hate myself for all of this.
Bottom line; Love is no longer in my list of beliefs. It has been evicted.
And I hate that. But Love just doesn't seem right to me anymore.


I kind of went all over in the post.
Whatever. I'm off to bed.


Peace
-A