Oujia boards.

I have some great fucking news.
I am not pregnant. The test showed up positive and I just got my period today. So I am in a fantastic mood! Besides the fact I'm bored out of my mother fucking mind.
So today in town I was with Jess, Lauren, Ashli & Megan.
Here's some background information on the story; There's this 19 year old kid whose stalking Ashli. He graduated this year and he is like, a major creeper. Like, wanting to fuck little girls creeper. Well, after Lauren left, the rest of us were hanging out at the local grocery store when Jess and I get an identical text saying, "I saw you... Again!" I'm thinking, "Who the hell is this??"
Ashli, however, has caught on that it is Colton, the creeper, and has booked it inside the store. She ran to the bathrooms with Jess. Megan and I went outside to look for him and tell them when it was safe to come out. We couldn't fucking find him. But when Jess and Ash walked out, they saw him right away. And we all ran to the little marina in our town. As Ash was saying how scared she was of him, I just simply said, "Give me his number. I am ending this. Now. He's starting to piss me off." So Jessica gave me his number and here is the conversation I had with him;
Me: Hello? Is this Colton?
Colton: Yes..?
Me: Okay. Listen to me. Leave Ashli the fuck alone, you got that? Bye."


And I hung up. He was starting to irritate me and he was really starting to scare one of my best friends. That is not okay. Ashli is fucking scared of him and I don't think it's right for her to be scared in her own fucking town. He needed to back the fuck off. So, Ashli. If he ever, and I mean ever, bothers you again, I will kick his scrawny ass. You have my word.
Now, I may seem a little.. Eccentric to you but I'm just loyal and, honestly, a bit protective of my friends.  I hate to see them scared. I hate seeing them hurt. I hate seeing someone harass them. And if I can help, you better believe I fucking will.

Anyways, we did the Oujia board again and shit went down. Lauren was talking cause it was her blood on the board. She asked if it was related to her. It said no. I asked if it was related to anyone else in the room. It said 'No' to Ashli and 'yes' to me. When I asked if it was related to Jess, it started moving so fast. In a circle. That means the spirit is trying to break the circle and get out. That's not good. During that time, I kept getting chills. Like, something cold kept washing over me. I didn't feel calm, like when you're supposed to feel when a good spirit comes. I felt scared. And I kept asking myself, after we ended the session, "Why would a good spirit scare us? They wouldn't do that." The only conclusion that came to my mind was the spirit was bad. But the animals were fine.
Anyways; after we ended the session, I broke down. I have NEVER cried that hard in front of my friends. I was scared. I felt helpless. I felt like, I had lost my uncle again. I couldn't stop crying. It was like, someone just told me I had lost my other uncle to suicide. I was heart broken. I felt abandoned, even  though Jess had her arms around me. I don't know how to explain it. That spirit who was trying to get out had scared me so badly, I started crying. I have never been that scared in my life. Not even when my mother tried to kill me. I feel ashamed for crying. It's weakness in my eyes but I've been crying a lot lately. I can't really help it. Something will remind me of him and I'll feel myself wanting to cry. But that night, holy shit. I have never cried like that before. I wanted to scream. Hit something. I wanted and want answers but I know I'll never get them. Even after I was scared like that, I had the strangest and strongest urge to make another board but with my blood this time. But I also knew it was a horrible idea and my gut told me no. So I decided against it and kept my mouth shut. I kept shaking for the rest of that night. I cannot express how terrified I was. I'll say it a thousand times. Those chills I got, I knew the weren't good. I don't know what else to say on the matter, So I'm going to stop.
Oh. I have good news, too. I'm not pregnant (:
Got my period yesterday. I have never been so glad to have gotten it, either. I can understand why it's called a "Monthly gift."

Peace
-A

STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!!!

HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID?!
I told him to put a condom on! He knows I'm not on birth control yet!
How could I be so fucking stupid and have unprotected sex when my period is going to start on the 1st or 2nd of August!?
I feel so fucking stupid. I knew what I was doing yet I said nothing. I mean, what the hell self?!
No words can describe how idiotic I feel. And what we did... Well, it when on for over an hour. So, now I have a higher chance of getting pregnant. I can't stop thinking about the fact that I might be pregnant. I mean, I might be over reacting, but you never know. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. Maybe.... I don't have any other excuses as to why I'm acting the way I am. If my period decides to be irregular this time, I'm going to fucking shoot someone! I will, quite literally, shoot someone. I will be fucking furious if my period decides to go, "Oh! I'm still irregular! So I'm going to scare the living daylights out of you for a month!"
Bitches will die if that happens. Bitches. Will. Die.  
Oh! Another thing!
I had the strongest urge to just kiss him, look him in the eyes and say, "I love you."
But I didn't. Good thing, too. Cause that would have scared the hell outta him.
And I'm not some weird girl who says that after a week of being with someone. I have liked this boy for the longest mother fucking time. And I honestly feel like I do love him. Maybe though. I'm a little skeptical. It might just be the hormones and the great sex.
And yes, he is ah-maz-ing  in bed ;)
I know I haven't slept with anyone besides him and K. But he is, by far, way better. And he is so gentle... But anyways. I'm going to pop a cap in some bitches ass if my period decides to fuck with me.

I don't have anything else to say...

Peace
-A

My Chemical Romance

I just got my tickets to see MCR live in September! :D
I cannot fucking wait! They have been my favorite band since I was 11! I fucking love them!
They're touring the  Honda Civic Tour right now and will be in Auburn on September 1st. Gah! I'm so fucking excited!
So here's a list of the musicians I have seen live and in order. And the grade I was in when I saw them;
Joss Stone: Grade 6.
Toby Keith & Trace Adkins: Grade 7.
Willie Nelson: Grade 8.
Bullet for My Valentine & Escape the Fate: Grade 9.
Ozzy Osbourne & Slash: Grade 9.
My Chemical Romance, Blink-182, Against Me & Rancid: Grade 10.

So I have been to at least one concert every year since the 6th grade. Not bad.
But honestly, I'm really only going to go see My Chemical Romance cause I don't really care for Blink-182 and I have never listened to Against Me or Rancid... Or, I might've listened to them before, I probably don't remember though.
I'm on youtube.com right now and I'm listening to "I was a teenage anarchist" by Against Me. Turns out, I have listened to them. I just never knew it was them. But Rancid, I'm positive I have never heard them.
I can't fucking wait to see MCR! It's going to be FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!

So while my parents watch the 5th season of Dexter, I'm doing my homework on these bands. I mean, I'm paying to go see them, might as well know some of the songs, ya know?

On the guy front; Well... Still head over heels for him but not much I can do about that, is there?
Oh yeah! I asked my brother to take me to Planned Parenthood for birth control while Jess was staying the night. She doesn't know who the guy is but she knows that he told me I needed to get birth control. Talk about the most awkward reason to ask for a ride from your 18-year-old brother. But he said he would take me on his day off. So next week, I'm getting birth control. Good.
I would hate to have a pregnancy scare....
*Shudder in horror*

Well, I'm going to look into Rancid right now.

Peace
-A

Why?

I'm writing this on my iPod cause my computer is being a dildo.
But anyways; on this guy. He's a douche but I can't help but think he's amazing. As pathetic as that sounds. I feel like he's just using me but I don't want to admit that anymore then I have cause I'm hoping if I ignore it, it won't be true.
Oh! And here's a note to Jess. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU DATING!?!?
You have to come clean eventually!

Alright. This iPod is being a dildo now so I'm going to end this ridiculously short post now.


Peace
-A

Seriously?

This guy I'm with just said something that pisses me off. He wants something but yet he doesn't want an exclusive relationship?! I mean, really! Just say you want an exclusive relationship and I'll be the first in line! And the thing he wants, comes with having an 'exclusive' relationship! You stupid fucker!
... But of course I don't mean the 'stupid fucker' part...
God, some of the things he says just makes me want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him!

And another thing!... It's really stupid but it's true. I was rereading the Facebook messages we sent back and forth last night for like, the millionth time, and I started crying my eyes out. Not the loud snot coming out of your nose crying but the silent crying. You know, the crying that comes with a broken heart? He hasn't broken my heart but with this stupid 'open relationship', it certainly feels like he's ripping it out piece by piece. And what's stupid is that I'm just standing there and letting him. I'm not walking away. I should walk away but I have waited TOO FUCKING LONG FOR THIS! I have wanted this boy since the moment I fucking met him. So, I'm just dealing with it in my own way.

Here's another problem. I've recently figured out that the stomach pains I've been having lately can be a lot less painful if I don't eat. So I'm not eating as much as I used too. And I've also noticed how repulsive food looks and smells. I was eating pizza earlier and I was gagging while chewing. I wanted to hurl but I knew that I had to eat so I forced myself to eat one slice and half of another but I couldn't eat anymore. I was, quiet literally, about to vomit. Food. Is. Gross.
End of story.



Peace
-A

Open Relationship?

He asked what I wanted to do. I said "I'm okay with open."
.. No. I'm not. I'm not okay with it. I only said that to stay with you. But you aren't ready to be 'exclusive' right now. I wish you were. I really do. I really want to cry right now. But I can't let my mom hear me. Cause I would tell her everything. Every little thing. I want to say I need someone right now but I hate admitting how upset I am.

~~~~~
I'm talking to you now. And I'm pretending to be happy. But really? The tears are streaming down my cheeks. I cant stop them. They'll slow down and then a whole new wave will come and hit me. I just want you to know how much you mean to me. This sounds so creepy but do you know how long I have liked you? A pretty long time. And you know this but I don't think you care all that much.
You just said the sweetest thing to me. And I'm breaking down. I need to pull myself together cause I'm in my dads' office and my mom could walk in at any moment but I can't stop crying. I really wish you could see what you are doing to me but yet, I don't want you to live with the guilt. You just told me you wanted to see me again.
... I don't want to share you. I want you to myself. I want you all to myself. I want to call you mine. But, I can't. Not with this whole 'open relationship' thing in the way. I have to share you and it kills me. I die a little bit inside every time I think about it. But it's that or nothing. And I would rather have something little then nothing. I just pulled myself together but I'm breaking down again.
My stomach is in knots.
... I also know in my last post I said I was going to bed. I lied. Obviously.
I don't think I can fall asleep. Unless I cry myself to sleep and I think that's the only way I'm gonna be able to fall asleep. Or if I take medication. I want to take the medication so I can have a nightmare-less sleep but who knows. They could be even more worse if I take the drugs.

~~~~~~
I really want someone to be with me right now but I don't want that..... Fml. I'm crying again.
My mom is going to know I'm crying cause my face gets all red and blotchy when I cry.... FML.

FUCK MY LIFE! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! FUCK!
.... I'll admit something right now. I feel like I'm over reacting. But I really feel like what I just explained.
Fml.
I wish this wasn't happening.


Peace
-A

Fuck this shit.

This amazing thing that's happened? Yeah, well, it's amazing but it sucks. Cause "open relationships" are fucking stupid. Add my level of insecurities and paranoia and I am a mess. I am a mess. Like, I want to cry but crying is weakness in my eyes so I'm holding them back.
.... I lost my virginity. To this person that is amazing. And ever since then, my stomach has been all over the place... But they used a condom... I am so confused right now.
I don't want anyone to ask me about this. Please don't. Ashli, Jess & Lauren, you guys know I don't like sympathy and what I say on here is to be ignored unless I bring it up.
So please don't talk to me about it.

I really wanna crawl in a hole right now and just die. My depression is coming back but it's sorta getting pushed back by this happiness I have right now. My stomach really hurts :(
Nothing sits right in it, ya know? Everything seems to upset it. Even crackers. And the pain comes and goes. Right now, I feel like I'm about to get violently sick.



..... My stomach really fucking hurts :'(
I have never been this uncomfortable before. Physically, I mean.


Please. Whoever is listening, make it stop. I'm not being dramatic, I'm being honest.
Make it stop. 


I'm going to bed.


Peace
-A

Hypocrisy award.

Recently I've been saying some things and I found out, I can no longer say those things. Because I would be a hypocrite. Which I fucking hate. But I still said them when I shouldn't have. I just feel like the world is resting on my shoulders and the weight is absolutely killing me. But it's for the best that I don't say anything. It really is. I can't even give anyone any hints because it would be so obvious. This post is very vague but it feels so much better to at least let something out, if only a little. But this thing, it's amazing. I can't believe it actually happened. I'm ecstatic. I really am. 

But I feel like I should be awarded the Hypocrisy award, like the title of this post says. 

... I'm going to stop now because I might reveal what I'm talking about and that would not be good. 

Peace

-A

Savin' Me

I am out of my funk. Or so it seems. I don't fucking care! I've been hyper as hell the past few days!
That's always good, isn't it?.... Let's hope so!
But it's still incredibly awkward when I'm watching t.v. with my mom and a totally HOT chick comes onto the screen. I'm just sitting there looking at the floor and she acts like it doesn't bother her! I know she's lying.

To catch you up,
My mom knows I'm bi. Long story short, Kayla was kicked out so I offered a place for her to stay. She spent the night and during that time, Kayla would not leave me alone. It was pissing me off. My mother came to the conclusion that we were "together". She called me into her room and asked what was going on. I denied it at first and then she just gave me this look and I just blurted it out. After I told her, she said Kayla had to leave. I couldn't agree more. Kayla was kicked out and went to my friend John B's house. She also had my Three Days Grace band t-shirt. I told her to give it to John and I'd get it later. She said okay. THE BITCH FUCKING STOLE IT!
She said in a text to me, and I quote, "I'm so glad I have something to remember you by. I hope what happened with your mom doesn't affect our relationship or anything. I really like you and I don't want you to leave. But I'm glad I have your shirt so I can have some small little thing to remind me of you while I'm gone."
I was just like... "Uhh... You can't keep that shirt. I want it back. Like, NOW."
So she said okay and that she would give it back. NO! Bitch still fucking has it. It was one of my favorite fucking shirts! I HATE HER! And not just because she STOLE my shirt but because she was bossing me around at my HOUSE! After I LET her stay there when she needed somewhere to stay. I HATE it when people boss me around. And then she smokes a cigarette in my campers bathroom. It fucking REEKS of cigarette smoke in there now. I told her that if she had to smoke, to do it outside. But no. She deliberately did the opposite. I'm done with her shit. I don't fucking care if she is about to die and needs medical help immediately, she can go find some other poor bastard to help her manipulative, lying, bitchy ass.


Bitch pisses me off.

!?$%#!!!!!

Fuckin' A.
The audacity of that whore....


I'm done. I'm too fucking pissed of right now..


Peace
-A

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

In Jessica's last blog post she came out with the truth about something so I thought I would give it shot.
I'm not trying to upstage you, Jess. Merely come clean with some family secrets as well.


~~~~~~

When I was roughly 5 years old, 9/11 happened. I understood exactly what was happening and I asked my mom, "Why would adults do that to each other, madre?" *I was learning Spanish so I spoke in English and Spanish when I was younger*
She answered, "I don't know, Ash."
I don't know what happened then but I went on with my life. Until a couple years later when I was about 7 or 8. Things in the house would disappear and reappear only to be broken and dismembered. I never did any of it. My older brother did. But I always took the blame because I just wanted to get the screaming to stop and to get away from my parents. They scared me when I was little. They still do sometimes.
So when Nathan, my older brother, broke or stole something I would get in trouble and I would get spanked. My dad has these pair of flip flops he got in Key West. They're about half an inch thick and they're made of leather. He would take one of those and spank me with it until my eyes dried from tears or if he could see the bruises developing on my ass. If he couldn't find his sandals, he would use a paint stick and use that until it snapped in two. How we always seemed to have paint sticks ready is beyond me.
This was my way of life. It slowed dramatically while I was in the 7th grade. I mostly think it's because my uncle's suicide. And it stopped completely when I was in 8th grade because I started taking martial arts. Nathan used to punch me in the arms until I couldn't move them anymore. I would have bruises that were black and blue from my shoulders to my elbows. They lasted for weeks, as you can imagine. But ever since I learned martial arts, he hasn't touched me. I think it's because he knows I can fight back now and he doesn't want to get his ass kicked. Cause all he knows of fighting is street fighting. I've been trained.
ANYWAYS; When my mom couldn't take all the things happening she would lash out at me and Nathan. She was unpredictable. I remember vividly one time I was in her room because I couldn't be trusted alone anymore, or so they thought it was me and still do, so we were watching television in her room and she shut the t.v. off. Earlier that day, I had gotten into huge trouble and so she was still visibly mad. She got off the bed and walked over to me, I was sitting on the other side of the bed so she had to walk around, and she grabbed the pillow next to me. At first I though nothing of it. She sat next to me and played with the pillow cover saying, "You know I love you, Pumpkin." I responded, "I know." 
She slowly put the pillow over my head and shoved me into the bed where she continued to press harder and harder into the pillow, taking away my air. I screamed but no one heard me cause it was just us in the house. I shouted to her, "Mommy! I can't breathe!" Her reply was calm and peaceful, "I know."
She pressed harder and I started clawing at her blindly. The only reason why I am still here is because my father pulled up in the drive. My mother snapped back and put the pillow in place. Picked me up and dragged me to my room before my dad was in the house. Put me in my room and shut the door.
I was still trying to catch my breath and I remember it so perfectly. I remember getting that tunnel vision and very faintly hearing my dad pull into the drive. It hurt to breath for awhile after that and I'm a little fuzzy on what happened for the rest of the week but I know that my own mother tried to kill me.
Whenever she gets as angry as she was, I back away as quickly as possible. It's not in my nature to back away from a fight but when my mother is in that white hot rage, I know what to do. Tuck tail and run.  She's never tried to kill me again but she has shouted obscenities at me before. Vial things. The one that has stuck with me the longest is "YOU WERE A MISTAKE! I HATE YOU! GO TO HELL YOU FUCK UP! I. HATE. YOU.!" I still get it shoved in my face when I fuck up and she's getting angry. She doesn't say it out right but it is implied.
My mother and father scare me. My mother the most. Because I know she is capable of cold blooded murder. I am not exaggerating or trying to make this sound more sad. I know for a fact she could have killed me that day if my father hadn't pulled up. We have never spoken of it and I know that my dad and Nathan are completely oblivious to what happened.
I remember for the next 2 years, I couldn't be alone with her. I always had to be with someone else or alone. And even though it has been years since that day, I still feel like she wishes she had finish the job. I know she knows she was close to killing me. I remember my blind kicks and punches were getting weaker. I know I was dying. I thank whoever is up there, watching over me, that they protected me. I have almost died several times in my life but I always seem to get help at the very last second when all hope is lost. I don't know why, but I should have died 4 times in my life already. And those are the time were I didn't try to end my own life.


I feel exposed now but it feels good to have someone know.


Peace
-A

Goodbye.

I'm going to just shut off mentally. I'll physically be here, obviously, but I'm just going to take a long vacation to think some things over and figure out what's best for me. Because I've recently found out I've made some bad decisions that I need to try and erase and find some way to write over them. Things have kind of backfired on me and I need to find something to protect me.
I guess I could go to my friends for help but this isn't their problem and it shouldn't be a concern of theirs. They have plenty of their own.

So I say goodbye for now. I'll still blog but not as much and my posts will be a bit.... Lifeless.


Peace
-A

Smile at the rain

I need an escape. I need a way out.
I need to be where I feel at home. Because I don't feel at home here. I feel like... This is just a small stepping stone of where I'm headed. And where I'm headed... Well, I don't like the way it's going to turn out. I just know something is going to go wrong. I know I'm heading to someplace grizzly. I know I'm not headed to a warm, sunny place.


No.

I'm heading to a place where nothing is real but everything is painful.
I'm going to leave pain behind. Want to know how I know this?


... Because. I've tried to kill myself 4 times in the past 2 weeks.
I've taken pills. I've tried to hang myself. I've cut myself. I've held a gun to my head.
I probably sound overly dramatic but I'm tired. Not physically. Emotionally.
I don't want to wake up. I don't want to breath.
I don't want help. 
Because if I get help, it's just going to post-pone what will eventually happen.
I want to crash and burn. I don't want medication. Those just make me feel fake. Unreal.
Nothing seems important, ya know? Nothing seems like it's fun anymore.
It all just seems kind of gray. Dull.

I'm going to bed.
I don't want to talk about this to anyone. 


Peace
-A

I am a Gleek. And proud.

I'm in love with Glee & the Glee Project. Jessica got me hooked on the Glee Project and I figured, if this was good so must Glee. So I watched the entire first season of Glee last night. I stayed up till 4 in the fucking morning watching it. I have fallen in love with it!

Thank you Jess for hooking me on Glee!<3

I have also fallen in love with Pandora, the internet radio station. It's the best!

I was in the mood to hear "Bohemian Rhapsody", so I typed in "Queen" and it started playing ALL the classic rock songs I fucking love, and sooner or later, Bohemian Rhapsody came on :D

God, I am in such a fan-fucking-tastic mood right now!

Yeah, earlier I was seething with rage but I chilled out.

Cum on feel the noise - Quite Riot is playing (:

And now Message in a bottle is playing!

It's quite literally playing all my favorite classic rock songs. I have other playlists of musicians on Pandora but I'm in the mood for classic rock.

I have nothing more to say.

Peace

-A