Open Relationship?

He asked what I wanted to do. I said "I'm okay with open."
.. No. I'm not. I'm not okay with it. I only said that to stay with you. But you aren't ready to be 'exclusive' right now. I wish you were. I really do. I really want to cry right now. But I can't let my mom hear me. Cause I would tell her everything. Every little thing. I want to say I need someone right now but I hate admitting how upset I am.

~~~~~
I'm talking to you now. And I'm pretending to be happy. But really? The tears are streaming down my cheeks. I cant stop them. They'll slow down and then a whole new wave will come and hit me. I just want you to know how much you mean to me. This sounds so creepy but do you know how long I have liked you? A pretty long time. And you know this but I don't think you care all that much.
You just said the sweetest thing to me. And I'm breaking down. I need to pull myself together cause I'm in my dads' office and my mom could walk in at any moment but I can't stop crying. I really wish you could see what you are doing to me but yet, I don't want you to live with the guilt. You just told me you wanted to see me again.
... I don't want to share you. I want you to myself. I want you all to myself. I want to call you mine. But, I can't. Not with this whole 'open relationship' thing in the way. I have to share you and it kills me. I die a little bit inside every time I think about it. But it's that or nothing. And I would rather have something little then nothing. I just pulled myself together but I'm breaking down again.
My stomach is in knots.
... I also know in my last post I said I was going to bed. I lied. Obviously.
I don't think I can fall asleep. Unless I cry myself to sleep and I think that's the only way I'm gonna be able to fall asleep. Or if I take medication. I want to take the medication so I can have a nightmare-less sleep but who knows. They could be even more worse if I take the drugs.

~~~~~~
I really want someone to be with me right now but I don't want that..... Fml. I'm crying again.
My mom is going to know I'm crying cause my face gets all red and blotchy when I cry.... FML.

FUCK MY LIFE! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! FUCK!
.... I'll admit something right now. I feel like I'm over reacting. But I really feel like what I just explained.
Fml.
I wish this wasn't happening.


Peace
-A