Smile at the rain

I need an escape. I need a way out.
I need to be where I feel at home. Because I don't feel at home here. I feel like... This is just a small stepping stone of where I'm headed. And where I'm headed... Well, I don't like the way it's going to turn out. I just know something is going to go wrong. I know I'm heading to someplace grizzly. I know I'm not headed to a warm, sunny place.


No.

I'm heading to a place where nothing is real but everything is painful.
I'm going to leave pain behind. Want to know how I know this?


... Because. I've tried to kill myself 4 times in the past 2 weeks.
I've taken pills. I've tried to hang myself. I've cut myself. I've held a gun to my head.
I probably sound overly dramatic but I'm tired. Not physically. Emotionally.
I don't want to wake up. I don't want to breath.
I don't want help. 
Because if I get help, it's just going to post-pone what will eventually happen.
I want to crash and burn. I don't want medication. Those just make me feel fake. Unreal.
Nothing seems important, ya know? Nothing seems like it's fun anymore.
It all just seems kind of gray. Dull.

I'm going to bed.
I don't want to talk about this to anyone. 


Peace
-A