Caffeinated high?

I think so. I'm working on over drive, here.
... Too many espresso shots...


I'm only writing another post because Ashli wanted me too.
I don't really know what to say though as nothing really big has happened.
So I'm going to ramble about school. Because I'm procrastinating on doing my geometry homework.
Speaking of Geo. My teacher is a complete creep. He has that vibe to him, ya know? And he won't ever shut the fuck up. Like today, we were supposed to have the last 20 minutes to get a head start on our homework but he talked through the whole damn class period. Normally, I wouldn't have a problem with that but this year, I actually have an intention to pass math with some good grades. And he's going to test us soon but he hasn't taught us anything so how can we possibly pass the fucking test? I do not like him. Not one bit. He's a creepy old man. And I know he's creepy cause when we had our last football game, he was starring at a freshmen girls legs because she was in a cheerleading outfit. How fucking creepy is that?
He's a pecker.

What else can I talk about?....
.... You know what? I'm going to save this and open up another page and start my homework. Because I have a shit ton. Again.

~~~~

Okay, imagine roughly 30 minutes has passed.
I fucking hate geometry. It's so confusing! My teacher, Tran, hasn't taught me shit!
I'm pissed and the coffee machine has no more coffee >:(
I'm not even close to being half way done with this stupid excuse as a homework assignment.
Fuck this shit, I'm making more coffee.

~~~~
Couple of hours half passed and my caffeine intake has raised dramatically.
I'm not going to bed tonight, ahahahaha xD
That was amusing for some reason. I have no idea why.
Well, I'm gonna go scrounge up canvas and paint something because that's all I want to do right now.

Peace
-A

Nonsense.

The title has nothing to do with the post, I just didn't know what to call the post so I came up with that.

The My Chemical Romance & Blink-182 concert was fantastic! I am so glad I went. Only one thing I would change about it. If My Chem. had stayed on longer. They left the stage too early and I was a little disappointed but at least I got to see Frank Iero live :)
And when Blink came on I was still pumped from MCR's performance so I was focused on them but when they started playing, the energy of the stadium blew up. People were screaming and jumping and mosh pits started directly behind us. It was awesome! And when the drummer, Travis Barker, did his solo... Oh wow, it was the best part of the show. In my opinion, that is. He was fan-fucking-tastic. He blew me away, he really did. I screamed until my throat was raw with My Chemical Romance but when he was playing I screamed and cheered as if there was no tomorrow. The girl in front of me, I'm pretty sure I gave her a headache considering I was practically shouting in her ear. I don't really care though.
I'm still kind of in shock that I just saw Blink-182 and My Chemical Romance live. I have wanted to see MCR since I was 11 years old. It's been 4 years and I finally got my wish :D
I cannot wait till they come to Seattle again. I really can't. Fuck lawn tickets, I'm getting front row seats. I  will use all of my money if I have too. And if I have enough for backstage passes to meet the bands, you better damn well think I'm going to buy them!
That night was amazing. Truly amazing.
I don't care if John, Derek, Stephanie, Rebecca & Spencer cut us in line. I was pissed, sure, but I wasn't going to let them spoil my night. Fuck them. John's a douche. Derek.. Well, I'm not so sure what he is. He's always been nice to me. Stephanie is a bitch. Rebecca has a giant forehead and Spencer is a dick head. They can fucking suck it.
That  night, September 1st, will always be in my memory. One of the greatest nights of my life. So far.

Well, I'm off to bed. Night guys. (Since I know only 3 people read this and I know who they are.)

Peace
-A

".. A dream you dream together is reality." - John Lennon

The title has nothing to do with the post, at least I don't think so.
Anyways my mom's mom has left. Finally. I was asked why I hate my grandmother so much. Here's my reason; My older brother is her favorite. He always has been. She has 8 grandchildren and out of the 8 I'm the only one who isn't a favorite because she can't get sympathy from me. What I mean is this. I have to cousins. One is blind and the other is mentally handicapped. They're sisters. Whenever she talks about them to her friends, they give her sympathy about how hard it must be to have two challenging grandkids. The others are like that too except for Christian and Asia. They're her favorites because their parents are rich and live in this huge home. Nathan's her favorite because he had a southern rebellion a while ago and it still gets sympathy, I assume. Alley and Joe are her favorites because there is something psychologically wrong with the both of them. I was her favorite for about a year when I was in the 3rd grade because I was in the hospital but when I got out and got better, it was like I never existed.
She always visits on Nathan's birthdays. She always pays more attention to him. She always gets him the better things and I always get the hand-me-downs. She won't even visit me on my birthday and I'm lucky if I even get a call or card from her. This used to bother me, ya know? Like, why doesn't Grandma love me too? But now, I just don't care. And when she visited she wanted to do all this stuff with me and I was never around. So my mom bitched at me until I would go do something with them and I only did something with them 4 times out of the 10 days she was here. She complained about never seeing me and wanting to spend time with me and in my head I'm thinking, "You had 15 fucking years to spend time with me and you're choosing to complain now that I never spend time with you? Sorry old lady but you lost your chance." 
I know people have bigger problems in life than this, I just needed to let my frustration out.
I am not going to be her puppet. I'm not going to bend over backwards to make her happy. I don't care how much stress my mom gets put through because of it. This lady had her chance to spend time with me and she chose not to do so. She can suck it up and fucking deal with it. It used to hurt knowing that I wasn't he favorite. Now I'm glad that I'm not. Cause I don't have to worry about disappointing her like the other kids do. And I don't think of her as my grandmother. In fact I never call her that unless my mom is around. And I know the way I dress and the music I listen to bothers her so I turned up the volume on both just to irritate her. I fucking hate her. With a passion.

On a lighter note: My Chemical Romance is in 2 days (:
... Or 1, I should say. Seeing as it's 1 in the morning.
Well.. Night.


Peace
-A

Family Get Together... Yay...

My mom's mom is going to be here tomorrow. From the 13-23. Yay.
She's Mormon so that means no coffee *mental shudder in horror*, no swearing, no friends, no foul mouthed shows/movies/videos, no overly loud screamo music, no dark clothes, etc.

But of course I'm going to break as many of those rules as possible. It's in my nature to cause mischief. Even if it's just small mischief.
I hate it when my mom's family visits or when we visit them. Some of them are cool. Like Alexann. She's partially blind but she's still the coolest one. She wants to smoke weed with me for her first time. I've turned her on to some of my favorite bands. She looks up to me, I guess you could say. I just hate it when she copies me. I don't care if she looks up to me, I care if she copies me. Then we have a problem. No one should copy other people. Everyone should have their own style and own up to it.
Anyways; My mom's mom is going to annoy the hell out of me. Why? Because she's going to give my mom hell because I dress darkly (although in my opinion I don't think so. To them, I do) and because I listen to aggressive music. Well fuck her. The old bitch can deal with it. I hate it when she bitches at my mom cause then my mom bitches at me. It's my grandmothers way of bitching at me. It's annoying as fucking hell. It really is.

I've been reading sixbillionsecrets.com  recently and that website is extremely depressing.
I've read 756 pages so far. Not in one day, though.
I know what I'm going to do throughout my sophomore year, though. Nothing bad. Something good.
Something that I hope will help people throughout the year.

I've got nothing more to say.


Peace
-A

Biggest Regret. Ever.

In my other post I mentioned how I regretted giving Spencer my virginity. What no one knows is how greatly I regret my decision. It's the biggest mistake I have ever made and I've made some pretty big mistakes. But this is the icing on the cake.

If I had the money, I would get surgery to replace my Hymen. Just so I could give my virginity over to someone who actually loves me and not some horny teenage boy who just wants sex. I want to take it back so badly, I would go through the pain of losing it again. That is how great my regret is. I also feel guilty for losing it so early and to someone who never loved me. I'm not completely sure as to why I feel so guilty but I do.


I wish I could take it back. Oh so much.
But what's done is done. Though I wish otherwise.


I feel like shit, ya know?
I made the conscious decision to hand it over without really thinking. I should have stopped. Thought about it. Considered the outcome of how I might feel afterwards. But no. I had to be all gun-ho about the whole damn thing and now look at me. I'm constantly reminded about losing it and each time I'm reminded, I feel like I'm getting punched in the gut.

Losing your virginity is no joke.
I now know why people are so careful about handing it over to someone. I always just thought they were prudes but now I know they are the smart ones. I was the stupid one.

I've gotta stop talking about this. It's making me extremely depressed.


Peace
-A

Awake My Soul.

I regret giving my virginity to Spencer. Now that I think about it, it was a mistake. A mistake I can't take back. And we ended our relationship the other day.... If you can even call it a relationship. Ashli was right. I was in love with the attention I was finally getting from him. Not him. And I feel stupid for believing that I was.

He is one of the most immature 18 year olds that I have ever met. He acts like a 10 year old boy sometimes and honestly, it always kind of annoyed me. Not that I would ever admit that when I was with him. I denied it cause then I couldn't agree with my friends and answer their questions as to why I was still with him. I was with him because I liked him for so long.. And kinda still do. Although, not as much.
It finally hit me that he never really cared for me when he started telling me how much he wanted his ex, Jenna. That hurt quite a bit. But I was extremely happy when he brought up the fact that he felt like we weren't even dating. Cause I had been feeling like that since day one. I just didn't want to admit it cause I felt like if I admitted it, it would be more true.

Anyways; I'm glad I'm done with him. We're still friends but I don't really want to talk to him. Not after what happened. I think it'll be awkward.

I'm kinda done with the whole 'dating' thing. Too much drama, pain, and bullshit come from it and I'm done with dealing with that. There's a reason I avoid dating, though it may seem like I don't avoid it.
Okay, I have a pretty big Henna tattoo drying on my left hand so I'm gonna go before it gets too fucked up.

Peace
-A

Privacy.

I know it's been awhile since I last posted but it's not like the world is gonna end if I don't post every week.
Anyways, what's up with the title? Well here's the very short story;
I was at Lauren's with Jessica and we were kinda stoned out of our minds. I was having a bad trip cause I swear to God, or whoever, that I was hallucinating. I kept seeing things and they were scaring the shit out of me. Anyways, I was laying on my back and Jess & Lauren were sitting up. Jess saw something on my stomach and asked what it was. I told her it was nothing. And it is nothing.
I know you guys love me but I. Am. Fine. I'm not trying to be mean but what is on my stomach is my business and I know how to handle it. I don't need you guys to keep asking. And I know you haven't been pestering about it but just forget about it. One of the main reasons why I wrote this post was to basically to tell you guys that I'm okay. Trust me.

I really don't have anything else to say so.... Bye, I guess.



Peace
-A

Oujia boards.

I have some great fucking news.
I am not pregnant. The test showed up positive and I just got my period today. So I am in a fantastic mood! Besides the fact I'm bored out of my mother fucking mind.
So today in town I was with Jess, Lauren, Ashli & Megan.
Here's some background information on the story; There's this 19 year old kid whose stalking Ashli. He graduated this year and he is like, a major creeper. Like, wanting to fuck little girls creeper. Well, after Lauren left, the rest of us were hanging out at the local grocery store when Jess and I get an identical text saying, "I saw you... Again!" I'm thinking, "Who the hell is this??"
Ashli, however, has caught on that it is Colton, the creeper, and has booked it inside the store. She ran to the bathrooms with Jess. Megan and I went outside to look for him and tell them when it was safe to come out. We couldn't fucking find him. But when Jess and Ash walked out, they saw him right away. And we all ran to the little marina in our town. As Ash was saying how scared she was of him, I just simply said, "Give me his number. I am ending this. Now. He's starting to piss me off." So Jessica gave me his number and here is the conversation I had with him;
Me: Hello? Is this Colton?
Colton: Yes..?
Me: Okay. Listen to me. Leave Ashli the fuck alone, you got that? Bye."


And I hung up. He was starting to irritate me and he was really starting to scare one of my best friends. That is not okay. Ashli is fucking scared of him and I don't think it's right for her to be scared in her own fucking town. He needed to back the fuck off. So, Ashli. If he ever, and I mean ever, bothers you again, I will kick his scrawny ass. You have my word.
Now, I may seem a little.. Eccentric to you but I'm just loyal and, honestly, a bit protective of my friends.  I hate to see them scared. I hate seeing them hurt. I hate seeing someone harass them. And if I can help, you better believe I fucking will.

Anyways, we did the Oujia board again and shit went down. Lauren was talking cause it was her blood on the board. She asked if it was related to her. It said no. I asked if it was related to anyone else in the room. It said 'No' to Ashli and 'yes' to me. When I asked if it was related to Jess, it started moving so fast. In a circle. That means the spirit is trying to break the circle and get out. That's not good. During that time, I kept getting chills. Like, something cold kept washing over me. I didn't feel calm, like when you're supposed to feel when a good spirit comes. I felt scared. And I kept asking myself, after we ended the session, "Why would a good spirit scare us? They wouldn't do that." The only conclusion that came to my mind was the spirit was bad. But the animals were fine.
Anyways; after we ended the session, I broke down. I have NEVER cried that hard in front of my friends. I was scared. I felt helpless. I felt like, I had lost my uncle again. I couldn't stop crying. It was like, someone just told me I had lost my other uncle to suicide. I was heart broken. I felt abandoned, even  though Jess had her arms around me. I don't know how to explain it. That spirit who was trying to get out had scared me so badly, I started crying. I have never been that scared in my life. Not even when my mother tried to kill me. I feel ashamed for crying. It's weakness in my eyes but I've been crying a lot lately. I can't really help it. Something will remind me of him and I'll feel myself wanting to cry. But that night, holy shit. I have never cried like that before. I wanted to scream. Hit something. I wanted and want answers but I know I'll never get them. Even after I was scared like that, I had the strangest and strongest urge to make another board but with my blood this time. But I also knew it was a horrible idea and my gut told me no. So I decided against it and kept my mouth shut. I kept shaking for the rest of that night. I cannot express how terrified I was. I'll say it a thousand times. Those chills I got, I knew the weren't good. I don't know what else to say on the matter, So I'm going to stop.
Oh. I have good news, too. I'm not pregnant (:
Got my period yesterday. I have never been so glad to have gotten it, either. I can understand why it's called a "Monthly gift."

Peace
-A

STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!!!

HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID?!
I told him to put a condom on! He knows I'm not on birth control yet!
How could I be so fucking stupid and have unprotected sex when my period is going to start on the 1st or 2nd of August!?
I feel so fucking stupid. I knew what I was doing yet I said nothing. I mean, what the hell self?!
No words can describe how idiotic I feel. And what we did... Well, it when on for over an hour. So, now I have a higher chance of getting pregnant. I can't stop thinking about the fact that I might be pregnant. I mean, I might be over reacting, but you never know. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. Maybe.... I don't have any other excuses as to why I'm acting the way I am. If my period decides to be irregular this time, I'm going to fucking shoot someone! I will, quite literally, shoot someone. I will be fucking furious if my period decides to go, "Oh! I'm still irregular! So I'm going to scare the living daylights out of you for a month!"
Bitches will die if that happens. Bitches. Will. Die.  
Oh! Another thing!
I had the strongest urge to just kiss him, look him in the eyes and say, "I love you."
But I didn't. Good thing, too. Cause that would have scared the hell outta him.
And I'm not some weird girl who says that after a week of being with someone. I have liked this boy for the longest mother fucking time. And I honestly feel like I do love him. Maybe though. I'm a little skeptical. It might just be the hormones and the great sex.
And yes, he is ah-maz-ing  in bed ;)
I know I haven't slept with anyone besides him and K. But he is, by far, way better. And he is so gentle... But anyways. I'm going to pop a cap in some bitches ass if my period decides to fuck with me.

I don't have anything else to say...

Peace
-A

My Chemical Romance

I just got my tickets to see MCR live in September! :D
I cannot fucking wait! They have been my favorite band since I was 11! I fucking love them!
They're touring the  Honda Civic Tour right now and will be in Auburn on September 1st. Gah! I'm so fucking excited!
So here's a list of the musicians I have seen live and in order. And the grade I was in when I saw them;
Joss Stone: Grade 6.
Toby Keith & Trace Adkins: Grade 7.
Willie Nelson: Grade 8.
Bullet for My Valentine & Escape the Fate: Grade 9.
Ozzy Osbourne & Slash: Grade 9.
My Chemical Romance, Blink-182, Against Me & Rancid: Grade 10.

So I have been to at least one concert every year since the 6th grade. Not bad.
But honestly, I'm really only going to go see My Chemical Romance cause I don't really care for Blink-182 and I have never listened to Against Me or Rancid... Or, I might've listened to them before, I probably don't remember though.
I'm on youtube.com right now and I'm listening to "I was a teenage anarchist" by Against Me. Turns out, I have listened to them. I just never knew it was them. But Rancid, I'm positive I have never heard them.
I can't fucking wait to see MCR! It's going to be FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!

So while my parents watch the 5th season of Dexter, I'm doing my homework on these bands. I mean, I'm paying to go see them, might as well know some of the songs, ya know?

On the guy front; Well... Still head over heels for him but not much I can do about that, is there?
Oh yeah! I asked my brother to take me to Planned Parenthood for birth control while Jess was staying the night. She doesn't know who the guy is but she knows that he told me I needed to get birth control. Talk about the most awkward reason to ask for a ride from your 18-year-old brother. But he said he would take me on his day off. So next week, I'm getting birth control. Good.
I would hate to have a pregnancy scare....
*Shudder in horror*

Well, I'm going to look into Rancid right now.

Peace
-A

Why?

I'm writing this on my iPod cause my computer is being a dildo.
But anyways; on this guy. He's a douche but I can't help but think he's amazing. As pathetic as that sounds. I feel like he's just using me but I don't want to admit that anymore then I have cause I'm hoping if I ignore it, it won't be true.
Oh! And here's a note to Jess. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU DATING!?!?
You have to come clean eventually!

Alright. This iPod is being a dildo now so I'm going to end this ridiculously short post now.


Peace
-A

Seriously?

This guy I'm with just said something that pisses me off. He wants something but yet he doesn't want an exclusive relationship?! I mean, really! Just say you want an exclusive relationship and I'll be the first in line! And the thing he wants, comes with having an 'exclusive' relationship! You stupid fucker!
... But of course I don't mean the 'stupid fucker' part...
God, some of the things he says just makes me want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him!

And another thing!... It's really stupid but it's true. I was rereading the Facebook messages we sent back and forth last night for like, the millionth time, and I started crying my eyes out. Not the loud snot coming out of your nose crying but the silent crying. You know, the crying that comes with a broken heart? He hasn't broken my heart but with this stupid 'open relationship', it certainly feels like he's ripping it out piece by piece. And what's stupid is that I'm just standing there and letting him. I'm not walking away. I should walk away but I have waited TOO FUCKING LONG FOR THIS! I have wanted this boy since the moment I fucking met him. So, I'm just dealing with it in my own way.

Here's another problem. I've recently figured out that the stomach pains I've been having lately can be a lot less painful if I don't eat. So I'm not eating as much as I used too. And I've also noticed how repulsive food looks and smells. I was eating pizza earlier and I was gagging while chewing. I wanted to hurl but I knew that I had to eat so I forced myself to eat one slice and half of another but I couldn't eat anymore. I was, quiet literally, about to vomit. Food. Is. Gross.
End of story.



Peace
-A

Open Relationship?

He asked what I wanted to do. I said "I'm okay with open."
.. No. I'm not. I'm not okay with it. I only said that to stay with you. But you aren't ready to be 'exclusive' right now. I wish you were. I really do. I really want to cry right now. But I can't let my mom hear me. Cause I would tell her everything. Every little thing. I want to say I need someone right now but I hate admitting how upset I am.

~~~~~
I'm talking to you now. And I'm pretending to be happy. But really? The tears are streaming down my cheeks. I cant stop them. They'll slow down and then a whole new wave will come and hit me. I just want you to know how much you mean to me. This sounds so creepy but do you know how long I have liked you? A pretty long time. And you know this but I don't think you care all that much.
You just said the sweetest thing to me. And I'm breaking down. I need to pull myself together cause I'm in my dads' office and my mom could walk in at any moment but I can't stop crying. I really wish you could see what you are doing to me but yet, I don't want you to live with the guilt. You just told me you wanted to see me again.
... I don't want to share you. I want you to myself. I want you all to myself. I want to call you mine. But, I can't. Not with this whole 'open relationship' thing in the way. I have to share you and it kills me. I die a little bit inside every time I think about it. But it's that or nothing. And I would rather have something little then nothing. I just pulled myself together but I'm breaking down again.
My stomach is in knots.
... I also know in my last post I said I was going to bed. I lied. Obviously.
I don't think I can fall asleep. Unless I cry myself to sleep and I think that's the only way I'm gonna be able to fall asleep. Or if I take medication. I want to take the medication so I can have a nightmare-less sleep but who knows. They could be even more worse if I take the drugs.

~~~~~~
I really want someone to be with me right now but I don't want that..... Fml. I'm crying again.
My mom is going to know I'm crying cause my face gets all red and blotchy when I cry.... FML.

FUCK MY LIFE! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! FUCK!
.... I'll admit something right now. I feel like I'm over reacting. But I really feel like what I just explained.
Fml.
I wish this wasn't happening.


Peace
-A

Fuck this shit.

This amazing thing that's happened? Yeah, well, it's amazing but it sucks. Cause "open relationships" are fucking stupid. Add my level of insecurities and paranoia and I am a mess. I am a mess. Like, I want to cry but crying is weakness in my eyes so I'm holding them back.
.... I lost my virginity. To this person that is amazing. And ever since then, my stomach has been all over the place... But they used a condom... I am so confused right now.
I don't want anyone to ask me about this. Please don't. Ashli, Jess & Lauren, you guys know I don't like sympathy and what I say on here is to be ignored unless I bring it up.
So please don't talk to me about it.

I really wanna crawl in a hole right now and just die. My depression is coming back but it's sorta getting pushed back by this happiness I have right now. My stomach really hurts :(
Nothing sits right in it, ya know? Everything seems to upset it. Even crackers. And the pain comes and goes. Right now, I feel like I'm about to get violently sick.



..... My stomach really fucking hurts :'(
I have never been this uncomfortable before. Physically, I mean.


Please. Whoever is listening, make it stop. I'm not being dramatic, I'm being honest.
Make it stop. 


I'm going to bed.


Peace
-A

Hypocrisy award.

Recently I've been saying some things and I found out, I can no longer say those things. Because I would be a hypocrite. Which I fucking hate. But I still said them when I shouldn't have. I just feel like the world is resting on my shoulders and the weight is absolutely killing me. But it's for the best that I don't say anything. It really is. I can't even give anyone any hints because it would be so obvious. This post is very vague but it feels so much better to at least let something out, if only a little. But this thing, it's amazing. I can't believe it actually happened. I'm ecstatic. I really am. 

But I feel like I should be awarded the Hypocrisy award, like the title of this post says. 

... I'm going to stop now because I might reveal what I'm talking about and that would not be good. 

Peace

-A

Savin' Me

I am out of my funk. Or so it seems. I don't fucking care! I've been hyper as hell the past few days!
That's always good, isn't it?.... Let's hope so!
But it's still incredibly awkward when I'm watching t.v. with my mom and a totally HOT chick comes onto the screen. I'm just sitting there looking at the floor and she acts like it doesn't bother her! I know she's lying.

To catch you up,
My mom knows I'm bi. Long story short, Kayla was kicked out so I offered a place for her to stay. She spent the night and during that time, Kayla would not leave me alone. It was pissing me off. My mother came to the conclusion that we were "together". She called me into her room and asked what was going on. I denied it at first and then she just gave me this look and I just blurted it out. After I told her, she said Kayla had to leave. I couldn't agree more. Kayla was kicked out and went to my friend John B's house. She also had my Three Days Grace band t-shirt. I told her to give it to John and I'd get it later. She said okay. THE BITCH FUCKING STOLE IT!
She said in a text to me, and I quote, "I'm so glad I have something to remember you by. I hope what happened with your mom doesn't affect our relationship or anything. I really like you and I don't want you to leave. But I'm glad I have your shirt so I can have some small little thing to remind me of you while I'm gone."
I was just like... "Uhh... You can't keep that shirt. I want it back. Like, NOW."
So she said okay and that she would give it back. NO! Bitch still fucking has it. It was one of my favorite fucking shirts! I HATE HER! And not just because she STOLE my shirt but because she was bossing me around at my HOUSE! After I LET her stay there when she needed somewhere to stay. I HATE it when people boss me around. And then she smokes a cigarette in my campers bathroom. It fucking REEKS of cigarette smoke in there now. I told her that if she had to smoke, to do it outside. But no. She deliberately did the opposite. I'm done with her shit. I don't fucking care if she is about to die and needs medical help immediately, she can go find some other poor bastard to help her manipulative, lying, bitchy ass.


Bitch pisses me off.

!?$%#!!!!!

Fuckin' A.
The audacity of that whore....


I'm done. I'm too fucking pissed of right now..


Peace
-A

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

In Jessica's last blog post she came out with the truth about something so I thought I would give it shot.
I'm not trying to upstage you, Jess. Merely come clean with some family secrets as well.


~~~~~~

When I was roughly 5 years old, 9/11 happened. I understood exactly what was happening and I asked my mom, "Why would adults do that to each other, madre?" *I was learning Spanish so I spoke in English and Spanish when I was younger*
She answered, "I don't know, Ash."
I don't know what happened then but I went on with my life. Until a couple years later when I was about 7 or 8. Things in the house would disappear and reappear only to be broken and dismembered. I never did any of it. My older brother did. But I always took the blame because I just wanted to get the screaming to stop and to get away from my parents. They scared me when I was little. They still do sometimes.
So when Nathan, my older brother, broke or stole something I would get in trouble and I would get spanked. My dad has these pair of flip flops he got in Key West. They're about half an inch thick and they're made of leather. He would take one of those and spank me with it until my eyes dried from tears or if he could see the bruises developing on my ass. If he couldn't find his sandals, he would use a paint stick and use that until it snapped in two. How we always seemed to have paint sticks ready is beyond me.
This was my way of life. It slowed dramatically while I was in the 7th grade. I mostly think it's because my uncle's suicide. And it stopped completely when I was in 8th grade because I started taking martial arts. Nathan used to punch me in the arms until I couldn't move them anymore. I would have bruises that were black and blue from my shoulders to my elbows. They lasted for weeks, as you can imagine. But ever since I learned martial arts, he hasn't touched me. I think it's because he knows I can fight back now and he doesn't want to get his ass kicked. Cause all he knows of fighting is street fighting. I've been trained.
ANYWAYS; When my mom couldn't take all the things happening she would lash out at me and Nathan. She was unpredictable. I remember vividly one time I was in her room because I couldn't be trusted alone anymore, or so they thought it was me and still do, so we were watching television in her room and she shut the t.v. off. Earlier that day, I had gotten into huge trouble and so she was still visibly mad. She got off the bed and walked over to me, I was sitting on the other side of the bed so she had to walk around, and she grabbed the pillow next to me. At first I though nothing of it. She sat next to me and played with the pillow cover saying, "You know I love you, Pumpkin." I responded, "I know." 
She slowly put the pillow over my head and shoved me into the bed where she continued to press harder and harder into the pillow, taking away my air. I screamed but no one heard me cause it was just us in the house. I shouted to her, "Mommy! I can't breathe!" Her reply was calm and peaceful, "I know."
She pressed harder and I started clawing at her blindly. The only reason why I am still here is because my father pulled up in the drive. My mother snapped back and put the pillow in place. Picked me up and dragged me to my room before my dad was in the house. Put me in my room and shut the door.
I was still trying to catch my breath and I remember it so perfectly. I remember getting that tunnel vision and very faintly hearing my dad pull into the drive. It hurt to breath for awhile after that and I'm a little fuzzy on what happened for the rest of the week but I know that my own mother tried to kill me.
Whenever she gets as angry as she was, I back away as quickly as possible. It's not in my nature to back away from a fight but when my mother is in that white hot rage, I know what to do. Tuck tail and run.  She's never tried to kill me again but she has shouted obscenities at me before. Vial things. The one that has stuck with me the longest is "YOU WERE A MISTAKE! I HATE YOU! GO TO HELL YOU FUCK UP! I. HATE. YOU.!" I still get it shoved in my face when I fuck up and she's getting angry. She doesn't say it out right but it is implied.
My mother and father scare me. My mother the most. Because I know she is capable of cold blooded murder. I am not exaggerating or trying to make this sound more sad. I know for a fact she could have killed me that day if my father hadn't pulled up. We have never spoken of it and I know that my dad and Nathan are completely oblivious to what happened.
I remember for the next 2 years, I couldn't be alone with her. I always had to be with someone else or alone. And even though it has been years since that day, I still feel like she wishes she had finish the job. I know she knows she was close to killing me. I remember my blind kicks and punches were getting weaker. I know I was dying. I thank whoever is up there, watching over me, that they protected me. I have almost died several times in my life but I always seem to get help at the very last second when all hope is lost. I don't know why, but I should have died 4 times in my life already. And those are the time were I didn't try to end my own life.


I feel exposed now but it feels good to have someone know.


Peace
-A

Goodbye.

I'm going to just shut off mentally. I'll physically be here, obviously, but I'm just going to take a long vacation to think some things over and figure out what's best for me. Because I've recently found out I've made some bad decisions that I need to try and erase and find some way to write over them. Things have kind of backfired on me and I need to find something to protect me.
I guess I could go to my friends for help but this isn't their problem and it shouldn't be a concern of theirs. They have plenty of their own.

So I say goodbye for now. I'll still blog but not as much and my posts will be a bit.... Lifeless.


Peace
-A

Smile at the rain

I need an escape. I need a way out.
I need to be where I feel at home. Because I don't feel at home here. I feel like... This is just a small stepping stone of where I'm headed. And where I'm headed... Well, I don't like the way it's going to turn out. I just know something is going to go wrong. I know I'm heading to someplace grizzly. I know I'm not headed to a warm, sunny place.


No.

I'm heading to a place where nothing is real but everything is painful.
I'm going to leave pain behind. Want to know how I know this?


... Because. I've tried to kill myself 4 times in the past 2 weeks.
I've taken pills. I've tried to hang myself. I've cut myself. I've held a gun to my head.
I probably sound overly dramatic but I'm tired. Not physically. Emotionally.
I don't want to wake up. I don't want to breath.
I don't want help. 
Because if I get help, it's just going to post-pone what will eventually happen.
I want to crash and burn. I don't want medication. Those just make me feel fake. Unreal.
Nothing seems important, ya know? Nothing seems like it's fun anymore.
It all just seems kind of gray. Dull.

I'm going to bed.
I don't want to talk about this to anyone. 


Peace
-A

I am a Gleek. And proud.

I'm in love with Glee & the Glee Project. Jessica got me hooked on the Glee Project and I figured, if this was good so must Glee. So I watched the entire first season of Glee last night. I stayed up till 4 in the fucking morning watching it. I have fallen in love with it!

Thank you Jess for hooking me on Glee!<3

I have also fallen in love with Pandora, the internet radio station. It's the best!

I was in the mood to hear "Bohemian Rhapsody", so I typed in "Queen" and it started playing ALL the classic rock songs I fucking love, and sooner or later, Bohemian Rhapsody came on :D

God, I am in such a fan-fucking-tastic mood right now!

Yeah, earlier I was seething with rage but I chilled out.

Cum on feel the noise - Quite Riot is playing (:

And now Message in a bottle is playing!

It's quite literally playing all my favorite classic rock songs. I have other playlists of musicians on Pandora but I'm in the mood for classic rock.

I have nothing more to say.

Peace

-A

Stupid whore.

I made amends with Dylan. Told him I was sorry for the shit I put him through. And I am. I truly am sorry. 

We were getting along. And then he asks "You made out with scott?"

Yeah, I did. I was also high when I was. Scott told my supposed friend Casey that we made out. She told Dylan. 

Fuckin' A, Casey! That wasn't your place to tell him! You don't have the right to go shooting your mouth off at Dylan. I was supposed to tell him. And I was going to. I don't know where you got the audacity to go behind my back and do that. I understand trying to warn him that I might hurt him again, I get that, but you still had no right to go running to him and telling him that. If you had given me enough time, I would have told him. Right now would not have been the best time. 

Oh, by the way, we all know you want Dylan. It's so fucking obvious. You flirted with him even when I was with him. That's just low. I would have NEVER done that to you. I also wouldn't have tattled on you if you made a mistake with some guy and was trying to make things better. 

FUCK!!!!! I am so fucking pissed at that stupid bitch. 

She totally fucked over my chance with making things better with Dylan. 

I am so pissed off, I'm calm. And that is NOT good. I am seething with white hot rage right now that I could kill a puppy and laugh while doing so. I'm mad. Fucking mad. And if I see her.... Nose job is what she's getting as a late birthday present from me. FUCK. HER. 

Screw you Casey. Screw. You. 

-A

I'm taking it back.

I'm sorry. I can't do it anymore. I just can't. I start things I can't finish. And I started something with you that I am not able to finish. The guilt is eating me alive. If you can't forgive me, believe me, I understand. I am so sorry for doing this to you. I really, truly, am sorry. Please don't let me affect your life. Just forget about me, this whole thing. It would be best if you did.

I am so sorry for doing this.

-Ashlyn.

Holy, didn't-expect-this, Batman!

Well, I'm home from the worst camping trip ever.
My back is killing me.

Also! Turns out, I'm pretty damn good at throwing the football :D
Pretty cool, huh?

Okay, on to a new, more shocking topic.

~~~~
So I like a lot of guys. We all know this.
Big fucking deal, right?

Connor just wants action.
Spencer is spoken for.
Jacob is.. Well, no.

Dane is a definite maybe.
Turns out, I like him. A lot. I've been talking to him all night and I like him.
I like a lot of guys. I can't help it.


Yes, I'm 15.
Yes I know I have my whole life to figure this stuff out but I'm rash. And that's the fun part.
I love making these types of decisions. I love taking leaps of faith.
What's wrong with trying to find that person now? Nothing.
Because I'm going to be searching sooner or later. Why not start now?
Is it going to hurt me? Probably.
But that's whole point of life.

Go and do something that will stick with you for eternity.
Would you rather have a few happy moments from your youth or none at all?
Am I going to regret a lot? Yeah, probably.
But Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away. 
And I would much rather have a bunch of breath taking moments in my life then none at all. 
So I'm gonna start taking those risks I've been hesitant to take. 


Call me crazy, I don't care. 
I've been called MUCH worse. 




Peace
-A

Parting is such sweet sorrow...

I am no longer a Freshman. I'm a mother fucking Sophomore now.
:D


~~~~~~~~
I really hate songs that make me miss those people who were in my life but left cause I fucked up.
It bothers me because I never knew how much I would miss those people once they left.
I screwed up a lot but there are three people who I will forever miss no matter how screwed up it sounds.
Tyler, Cade & Aaron.
All of them meant the world to me but I went ahead and acted without thinking.
And now, I get reminded every time I hear or say something that reminds me of them.
I miss Aaron's easygoingness.
I miss Cades kisses.
I miss Tyler's love. 

And yeah, I know he never really loved me but I still miss it.
I miss a lot but I guess I should be lucky I still have my memories of when things were good when I was with them.
Yes, I've been with lots of people and I will continue to be with people.
But those 3 and the memories I have of them have stayed with me so far so I'm hoping I can have those memories even when I'm an old lady.

I know I said I lost my faith in love but I suppose I will always have it. But it just seems like right now, I just need a break from it. Although I so desperately want it.
Love is so fucking fucked up. But sometimes, it's so worth it.

~~~~~~~~
Tomorrow is my 15th birthday.
It's midnight right now so it's Fathers day.
I fucking hate how my birthday is either the day before or after or on Fathers Day.
Cause I always feel guilty cause I'm getting all the attention when it should be my dad's day.
And I feel guilty when I'm having friends over for my birthday and they have to come on Fathers Day. Makes me feel guilty because then I'm taking them away from their dad's.
I kinda of wish I was born a day later or earlier. That way Fathers Day wouldn't get in the way.
~~~~~~~~

This month is National Adopt A Cat Month.
So go adopt a baby kitty from the animal shelter :)

Peace
-A

Summer

Tomorrow is my last day of school.
My last day of being a puny little freshman.
My last day of being in the youngest grade.

I mean, sure, I'll miss tons of things about being a freshman but I just want my high school career to be over already. And no, it hasn't been horrible but I certainly am not happy with it.
But that could be because I moved right before my freshman year and lost all my friends in FL.
And had to make new ones but thanks to Jess (I LOVE YOU<3) it hasn't been all that bad.
I just want it to be my senior year.
So I can move out and go to college. Go to college at UW and move to Wyoming.
Because for some reason, when I was driving through Wyoming while moving, it felt like home.
Like I was supposed to be there, ya know?
And I believe that when something just feels right, you go with it.
It felt right to be there. So why deny what my soul is so obviously telling me?

Sure, Wyoming can be a bit of a snore but I love it there. I want to own a farm and raise my kids, foster & biological, there. Let them know how the real America was before it became what it is today.
I want my own little piece of this world.
And in my will, I'm gonna make it so that none of my family members can sell it for money.
Cause that is just rude.

Okay, I have to pack for Ashli's.

Peace
-A

With a sense of poison rationality.

Ever wonder if rational thoughts are the cause for most of the destruction in this world?
All the paranoia?
Hate?
Murder?
Wars?

... You know, if people were to stop "Rationalizing" what every little person or country was doing, we wouldn't be in a lot of the messes were in now.

Just something to think about.


Peace
-A

Tattoos.

I've gotten really into body art.
My hand is decorated with little designs I did with a sharpie.
It looks pretty cool, if I do say so myself.
Which I did.

I gave my friend Kalani a sleeve. I used orange, black and yellow sharpie.
It looks pretty cool. It goes from the tips of her fingers to her elbow.
It also wraps around her arm, too.
I gave Dylan a tattoo. His brother said "Whoever gave you that sharpie tat is really creative."
That made me smile.
I've been into art a lot lately. I mean- I've always loved it but I'm just getting really into it. I can draw eyes and mouths now. And they actually look real.
That's my specialty. Realism.
I can look at a picture and redraw it. I can look at someone and draw them. But Surrealism (Basically, creative art. Like, Picasso ) Is difficult for me. And when I DO draw up something cool, it almost always looks a bit disturbing. But that's my art. It doesn't have to make sense.
I'm thinking about selling my art professionally. For weed money.
Cause I seem to draw better when I'm stoned. Ironic, huh?
I should draw better sober but nope.
I always thought my mom was the artist of the family, and although I'll never measure up to her work, but I seem to have picked up a little bit of the trait and I'm glad. Art has always been an interest of mine.
As with writing. I love writing with a passion.
It's a great escape when art can't help me.

I know I'll never be like Van Gogh, Georgia O'Keefe or Pablo Picasso. But I can at least try.
My art always has meaning to me. Even the most disturbing ones have meaning.
Why draw if you're not gonna draw from your soul?

Peace
-A

Open post

I'm going to publish this post when I go to bed tonight. 

I'm just gonna leave it open and post when something pops in my head. I'll say what time it is, too. 

Right now, in Washing State, USA it is 5:16 p.m. 

So today was the last GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) and this senior, who I've had the BIGGEST crush on since the beginning of the year (I've never really mentioned my liking to anyone.), kissed me in GSA. On the mouth. 

He also did it to everyone else but the rest of the day was filled with elation. But he had to keep going on about how far he got with his girlfriend almost the whole time. 

BTW; His name is Spencer. 

I really fucking like him. Like, the rest of the time, when he was talking about his GF, I just wanted to scream. And I , honestly, feel like crying and kicking my self for not telling him earlier in the year. I should have done it! But I was such a noob this whole year. I didn't even tell Jess, Lauren or Ashli how much I liked him the whole year up until a couple weeks ago. 

I feel weak to admit it but I smoked to see if the pain would go away but it only numbed it. 

I'm gonna miss him so fucking much </3

I also wish that kiss had been with love. 

I have no more to say right now. 

7:13 p.m.

I'm talking to Dylan and Cade right now. 

I'm not really in my body but yet I am. 

I'm really into art right now, like, I feel like painting, sculpting or just doodling. 

I wish I could post some of my work on here but my computer is old and uploading pictures is difficult and it would freeze my dinosaur of a computer. 

I also just read "Go Ask Alice" - Anonymous. 

That is the best fucking book I have ever read! 

It's awesome. I knew I wasn't the only crazy druggie out there!. 

I mean, I know the only drug I indulge in is marijuana, I still feel like people criticize me for it 24/7. 

I feel kind of out of it. 

8:46 p.m. 

Dylan is getting me a birthday present. He asked what I wanted and I said an art book would suffice just fine. He's acting weird though. I hope he isn't getting me anything too overwhelming. 

I'm kind of feeling artistic but I don't know what to draw. 

I'm also feeling pretty down. 

... To be honest, I think my depression is coming back because it's just like it was before I went on the medication. The same thoughts, actions and feelings. It sucks pretty bad. 

I also miss my little sister (technically my cousin) Lily and one of my best guy friends, Cade. They live in Florida. 

I'm so tired... 

9:26 p.m. 

Maybe I'm just bored... 

 

9:32 p.m.

Dylan's cheerfulness is getting on my nerves. 

9:41 p.m.

I'm sitting at my desk, that's why I posted little things so close together. 

I've come to the conclusion that when the weather gets hot, I get a little bit of insomnia because I can't sleep when I'm hot. That bothers me. 

Peace

-A

The Cave - Mumford & Sons :D

At the beginning of this school year, September 1st, I weighed 140 lbs.
Today I was at Jessicas aunt's house when I weighed myself on the scale.
129.9 lbs.
The only things I've changed about my diet was switching from Mountain Dew to water and I'm walking a lot more then I used too. I've lost 11 pounds and I feel so accomplished.
I feel better about myself.
Since switching to water, my skin has cleared up and I feel healthier.
Although, I still get winded from running up the stairs and walking uphill for to long.
... That could be the pots fault.
So I'm thinking of cutting down on it drastically.
I'm not going to be doing it almost every day like I used to be. I like feeling healthier. I feel like a better person. I'm happier and less cranky. I've been sleeping better and not having as many nightmares as I used to have.
... Healthy eating, here I come.
- Okay, that sounded ridiculous.
Whatever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've come to the firm decision to tell Jacob that I like him.  
The next time I'm at Lauren's house, I'm walking straight into his fucking room and saying that I think he's really super fucking cute.
I don't care about Tyler. I like Jacob.
How do I know?
I was walking to the parking lot after school today with my friend Anna and I saw him. She was talking but for the moment that he walked by, I didn't hear a word she said. I was completely focused on him and his cut blonde hair that's sort of in his face.
.. He's really tall :)
I like tall guys. Tyler was a little shorter than me.
Jacob has some muscle *melting at just the though O.o*
Tyler was scrawny.
So there. Jacob has two physical characteristics that I highly enjoy in a guy.
Tyler lacked those.
~~~~~~~~~
You need to check these songs out.
Random, ha ha :)

Make it stop (September's children) - Rise Against
Tighten up - The Black Keys.
The Cave - Mumford & Sons
The Distance & Love you madly - Cake

Those songs are stuck in my head right now.
I fucking love each and every one of them so much.

Peace
-A

Scum bag, I left you for a reason.

As you know, I dated a boy named Tyler in the 8th grade. And to be honest, we weren't exactly official but it was so plainly obvious we were together.
I fell in love with him very quickly. he was.. Is quite the little charmer. He won me over by saying the right things and always being there for me.... Even when I had my emotional outbursts... Which, by the way, are NOT pretty.
We both got along great. And I always told him I loved him. Every chance I got.
And, I'm not a creep. Trust me. But I was over the moon for this kid... And still am. A little.
ANYWAY; He would always reply with "I love you too, Boo <33"
His nickname for me was "Boo" and mine for him was, "TyTy"

He was such a sweet heart to me that I never guessed what he was doing behind my back.
We both lived an hour away from each other so our relationship was always kind of strained but you know, I tried extremely hard to make it work.
And I thought I was doing a good job.

Anyway, about 7 months into our relationship, he just stops texting me. At first, I think he got his phone taken until I was informed from my best friend, Toni Nicole, that he was dating another girl. One who went to his, and my old, school. I was crushed.
I later found out he was with his friends Karina, Molly & Alaina.
For the next month and a half, I ignored it. I got it into my head that he came back to me. And only me.
It was like that for awhile before he said that, and I quote,

"Oh come on. You had to have looked at other guys and you know we weren't really official. I always just thought of you as a friend with benefits. The only thing I had to do in return was say i loved you. And it worked."


As you can imagine, I was crushed. I lost all interest in everything I find enjoyable.
Writing, Art, Soccer, Beach & Hanging with friends.

And right when I'm starting to get over him, he calls me.
"Oh, I might've given you Mono." Click. 
Dial tone.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

You did WHAT???!!

So I got tested and thankfully, I'm clean. And he still has his testicles. 

Cause if that boy gave me an STD, I would've ripped off his nut sack and fed it to my dogs. 

All the while, laughing. 

So, I stopped talking to him and he blew threw his girls like the little player he is. 

Until, oh I don't know, two days ago? 

Maybe one. I can't remember. 

But he texts me, as I'm trying to get over him cause I still love him, crazy I know,  and says, 

"Boo, I miss you <3"

And all this other shit. 

I started getting mad. I was swearing at him and I straight up told him to leave me the fuck alone. I didn't need his bullshit in my life right now. He started getting mad, asking why I wouldn't forgive him and shit like that. I was like, excuse me? You cheated on me. I don't want you in my life. 

.... Although, I miss him like crazy. I'm still in love with him. Deeply in love with him. 

And it pains me that we had to end that way and that I'm not with him anymore. 

Cause I was considering suicide... Melodramatic, I know, but I was horribly crushed and I didn't know if the pain would ever end. Now, it's just a dull pain in my chest whenever I remember him. 

He is the reason, according to Jessica's logical theory, that my subconscious is protecting me. 

It sets up high alerts when I start to really like a guy. Because it knows I don't want to go through that intense pain again so it makes me end it before I get hurt. 

I hurt people before they hurt me. 

I fucking hate it. 

Because I really want to tell Jacob that I think he's super fucking cute. 

Jessica was able to tell my brother, Nathan, that she likes him. 

Why can't I tell Jacob? 

Tyler. That's why. 

That boy, and I say boy for a reason, has put me through too much. 

But, as crazy and irrational as it sounds, I would go back to him in a heart beat. 

He never treated me bad. He just smashed my heart and soul into tiny little pieces. 

I'm pretty sure he cheated 80% of the 8-9 months we were together. 

I fucking hate him. But I still love him. 

I hate this so fucking much!

Why can't I just get over him already? I live on the other side of the country now. He's probably with some girl right now. Why can't I just let this end? Get over him? Why? Why? Why?

I'm tired. 

Night. 

Peace

-A

Hopelessness.

I feel so lost.
I hate admitting my feelings but I need to start finding ways of getting them out without inflicting harm upon myself like I used too.

I just gave up one of my major beliefs earlier and I'll be honest, I'm a little crushed.
Normally, I'm the fighter. I used to always drag happiness, kicking and screaming, out from under a boulder. But now?
Fuck it.
It isn't worth it.

I'm not saying this stuff for attention. I'm really not. If I wanted attention, I'm sure I could find some other way to attract it.
I'm saying this because I need too. I need to say it to someone. Anyone. 


I want to believe in love again. I want to find that person who will change my opinion. I want that person who will always be there for me. I want to be the girl who is his world. But it isn't going to happen.
Why?

Because love is fake. 

It isn't an emotion. It's a natural disaster. It kills people, it causes people to do irrational things. It causes pain, loss & death. I want it but I know it isn't going to happen.
Because the one boy I have ever truly 'loved', shattered my heart. Ripped it to shreds. Poured acid on the stitching, time and time again. He was cruel to me in the end.  He is the one who has made me the insecure person I am today.
I used to be an individual. But now? I'm a follower. I don't step out from the others as much as I used too. I hide. I hide behind my mask of confidence and happiness when in reality, I just want to break down.

I can hide my pain extremely well. Only when I tell people do they realize what I'm going through.
I'm not that happy, confident, sweet girl I used to be. I'm bitter now.

And ever since Tyler, I've gotten worse.
Every time I hurt someone, it feels like my soul is being torn. I feel like a horrible person.
And I know I am every time I leave someone in my haste to get away.

I run away all the time.
I can never just say "I love you"
Because I would be lying.




I hate myself for all of this.
Bottom line; Love is no longer in my list of beliefs. It has been evicted.
And I hate that. But Love just doesn't seem right to me anymore.


I kind of went all over in the post.
Whatever. I'm off to bed.


Peace
-A

Posting marathon & stupid idiots.

Jess and I are trying to pull an all nighter. No, she's not with me. We're texting each other. 

And the both of us are gonna keep up a continuous string of posts tonight... Or, at least, try. 

I dunno. I'm feeling kind of depressed at the moment. 

Or it could be boredom... Or both. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

I've decided to give up on love. 

I'm not saying it doesn't exist, I'm just saying I doubt it'll find me. 

And yes, I'm 14. But love knows no age. People fall in love at 14 all the time. 

I'm just fucking sick of the shit I put people through and the shit I get put through. 

It's too much effort and I'm honestly a lazy person. 

I'm giving up. 

And normally, I hate giving up but now.. Fuck it. I don't fucking care anymore. Love can just skip over me now- Oh wait! It already did! It practically shit on my parade. No, it couldn't just rain. It had to humiliate me by shitting on me. 

Cupid's a prick. 

I don't even know what to say anymore. 

I am just so fucking sick & tired of this whole leaving people before they hurt me drama. 

It puts too much strain on everyone and I end up hurting really good people. 

Im not trying to sound shallow, I'm just saying that it's getting tiring. 

And fuck, this is MY blog. You got a problem, go blow yourself. 

Yeah, I'm mean. 

Deal. 

Basically to sum it all up; 

I want to fall hard for Jacob. 

I want Jacob to fall hard for me. 

But I know this will never happen. 

Because if I tell him, he might get interested and then I'll just be like "Oh, this isn't working. Bye!"

I already know that if I ever get married (fat chance) that I'm gonna be the parent that books it and my kids will end up hating me for leaving. I fucking HATE commitment. It's like dragging nails along a chalk board. It makes my skin crawl. But yet, I still date. 

... Maybe because I'm trying to find that one guy, or girl, that I honestly like. 

I'm not saying I never liked D or Tommy, it's just that I lost interest too quickly. To the point were it isn't healthy. 

I don't want a huge romantic/tragic way of finding my first love, I just want it to be simple. 

Like a simple; "I like you." & "I like you, too."

That's it. That's all that I want. 

No strings attached. 

But nope. 

Can't make it that easy. Cupid has to make it as fucking difficult as possible. 

God, I am just so sick and tired of this shit. 

I don't want to give up on love. Not at all. 

But what's the point in having hope in something that I doubt will ever happen to me?

I am no quiter, believe me, but I just don't have any more fight in me. I've been tamed. And I absolutely hate it. 

I really, really, want to fall very hard for Jacob and him for me. 

But it won't, and can't, happen.

Shit hits the fan too quickly when you're with me. 

I'm a bad luck charm. 

I really am. 

Peace

-A

Been there. Done that.

K is trying to guilt trip me into falling for her again.

Sorry girl. I've been down that road. It ain't gonna work (:
I'll still be your friend but that's it. I'm done with dealing your emotional bullshit. All you do is bring me down with you and you make me feel depressed when I seriously don't need more of it. I have my own shit to deal with.
*Metaphorical shit, Jess.*
She always, always, tries to make it difficult to be friendly with her. She treats every person that I like, like a piece of shit. She hates everyone I have a crush on.
I am sick and tired of her crap.
She has other friends she can drag down but I'm done. I'm tired of the guilt trips, the manipulating and the lies. The looks I get from people just because I'm talking to her. I don't like it. It bugs me.
I'll never just drop her, no, but I'm not gonna just stand by and let her control my life like I'm her marionette.
I am fucking done.



~~~~~~~~

Turns out, I really do like Jacob.
... In the physical sense, of course.
I hardly know anything about him. But I'm pretty sure, from what Lauren has told me, he's a good guy.
I'm just worried that if I tell him, he gets interested, that I'm gonna crush him.
Then what am I gonna do?
How will I be able to face him? Let alone face his little sister whom I love dearly.
I don't want to lose her respect and I don't want to crush him.

That's what I am.
I am the crusher.
I make sure everyone is happy and things are going good then I crush 'em.
I feel horrible.
I feel like I will never be able to get over this and that I'll just leave a wake of heartbreak behind me.
*The song "Love you madly - Cake" rings a bell. Look it up. It'll help you to understand what it is that I feel. Creds. to Jess for showing me the song (:* 
I feel like I will never find love when I so desperately want it. I want to be in love with someone who isn't gonna cheat on me like Tyler. Who isn't gonna use me like Frank. Who isn't gonna spread lies about me like Aaron. Who isn't gonna accuse me of using him like Cade. Who isn't gonna just leave when someone better comes along like Kyle.
I want someone who will never cheat on me, who will never use me, who will stop the person starting lies about me, who will never accuse me of anything and who will always be by my side even when temptation comes along.
I just want someone. I don't care if it's a girl or a boy.
I want to feel what real love is like. Not this fake crap.
I'm still hopeful it will come because I am an optimist when it comes to things like love & happiness.
Although, I'm slowly losing my faith in that.
The only people who want me are players.
Why do I fall for the players?



Why?




I am so sick of this love bullshit.
I can never just stay with someone without hurting them & and all they ever want from me is action.

Well here's a fucking news flash!


I'm not a cheap whore who puts out to every person who asks!!


I'm fucking sick and tired of this shit.

I, honestly, want to see what it would be like to fall hard for Jacob.
And have him fall for me.
But no.

I can't even let him guess that I like him because then we are both fucked.
Cause I might break his heart and I'll feel like a cheap slut.




I fucking hate this so fucking much. 

It's shit like this that makes me do things I'm ashamed of.
I just hold everything in and when I snap, it's not pretty.
I don't snap often but sometimes I just can't take it anymore.




I want to fall in love.
Bottom line.


Peace
-A

Waoh..

Lauren's parents decided to take back Lauren being grounded so Jess & and I ended up being able to stay for 2 nights.
On our little adventure at Lauren's house, we took over 60 photos on my little digital camera *Which, by the way, I love to death* and we smoked pot.
Lauren and Jessica didn't smoke that much. I however, wanted to get rip-roaring stoned but appairently, I'm too loud when I'm high so Jess wouldn't let me take more hits. Oh well. Now that I think about it, it was probably a good idea. Cause I would've woken up Lauren's parents which would not have been good. Obviously.

But last night I had this major discovery hit me.
I like Lauren's older brother, Jacob.
I'm the first ever girl of Lauren's friends to like her brother... According to Jessica.
He's against smoking * :( *, he loves Mountain Dew * :D *, he's a skater * <3 /  :D *
And when I finally figured out that I really did like him was when all three of us were in his room and Lauren was telling him something. He was on his bed, legs crossed, doing his homework. He had just gotten out of the shower so his hair was all wet and messy and, and, and...... God, it was fucking adorable....

Only one problem...
Turns out my ex, Tyler, who I'm still a little in love with, has fucked me over so bad that I end it with guys before they hurt me. Because I was with Tyler for a little over 8-9 months. And he cheated on me for 80% of the time.
It's because of him I'm so indecisive about guys. He's the reason why I get so paranoid and annoyed with guys so quickly. I'm worried they're gonna do the same thing to me that Tyler did. And I don't want that.
And another problem, I really wanna tell Jacob that I like him but I'm scared that once I do, and if he becomes interested, I'm gonna get bored and drop him like nothing ever happened and I really don't want that. It fucking sucks.

Also...
And I feel so fucking shallow...
But I'm kind of worried about what people will say. Because I go from guy to guy so quickly. And I hurt all of them so much. I don't want to be labeled as a heartless bitch who just moves from guy to guy. But I feel like it. I honestly do. And I hate that.

I wish I wasn't like this but I don't know how to change it. I really wanna tell Jacob but I dunno..


Okay, Jess was in the shower and now she's out so I'm gonna go so she can read this.


Peace
-A

Immature Much?

I got in a fight with Jessica's older sister, Megan.
I asked her a simple question and she asks why's it my business & who I am. *I texted her and she, obviously, didn't have my number* so I told her and she said it wasn't any of my business so why do I care? I fucking care cause what I asked her, I was gonna help pay for it. That's it.
End of conversation, right?
Wrong.

She texts my like, 5-10 minutes later saying that her boyfriend, Matt, thinks I'm a whore.
And trust me, coming from him, that's not an insult. Her boyfriend is the poster child for cheating dirt bag. So I say that it's not much of an insult and then we get in a huge argument.

Turns out, I'm a two-faced, vindictive, manipulative, boyfriend stealing whore.

It's funny, cause I never knew ANY of this about myself. Not at all. But appairently she knows all about me. She hasn't even known me for a year but yet she knows all of this and I don't. Cause, ya know, I haven't known myself for 14, almost 15, years now. No, not at all.

Oh yeah! I also want her boyfriend.
Weird, cause I always thought Matt was kind of gross.
But no, I think he's the hottest shit around.

Seems like Megan knows more about me then I know about myself.



She also said that I'm all talk.
Really? Cause you're telling me this over TEXTING . Hypocritical much? 


I think so. 




Whatever. 
She pisses me off. I never had a problem with her before. In fact- I actually liked hanging out with her when we so rarely did. But now? Fuck that. 
Fuck it all. 
Bitch ain't got nothing on me. 




Speaking of bitches; Lauren, a good, and TRUE,  friend of mine got grounded cause she called our algebra teacher a bitch. 


WOO! GO LAUREN :D 


But now Jess & I can't go to her house :( 
Fucking sucks.

I'm in a pretty bad mood right now. Like, I'm about to rip some new ass cracks in someone if they rub me the wrong way.


Oh yes. And to top off the cake with some icing, my iPod broke.
My purple Nano. I dropped it in the Albertsons parking lot and now the screen is spider-webbed.
Fucking fantastic.



fml.

Peace
-A

OMG (FT. WILL.I.AM) - USHER

So when a religious person says,
"Where's the proof He doesn't exist?", you must say this;

"You can claim anything's real if the only basis you have for believing in it is that no ones proved it doesn't exist."

I got that from a Harry Potter book. Fucking Harry Potter.
To be exact, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows. Page 411.
I told Jessica this. She was quite happy.
As was I.


~~~~

Recap:
So I haven't been on the internet for awhile because I've been grounded. Why? Grades.
Psh, whatever.
I'll pass. I know I will.

But I figured that I miss D. I miss him so much.
I fucked up. I know I did. But I'm not going back for him.
What we had is over. Done with. Zip. Zilch. Nada.
And that hurts me.
He wanted to ask me back out but I told him not to do it.
Because things would go back to the way they were. And I don't want that. Not again.
Oh well.

~~~~
K asked me out.
Well, the conversation went a little like this;

K: I miss you babygirl. 
K: Are you mad at me?
Me: I'm not mad. I'm just getting the feeling that every time I like someone you try and destroy the image I have of that person. I dunno. I just feel like that you want to keep me all to yourself. 
K: Oh. Well I was gonna ask you something but nevermind. 
ME: Tell me.
K: It's pointless now. 
ME: How is it pointless?
K: I saw you holding hands with Kalani and I got sad. I wanted to ask you out but you don't like the feeling of being controlled. The only person who was there for me was Sarah (FYI; I do NOT  like Sarah) And if we went out, I would want to be with you all the time and I wouldn't want Kalani to be around you...
ME: Well, that wouldn't work. 
K: Yeah. Maybe this was a bad idea. 
ME: Yeah, it kinda is. 
K: Well, I'm gonna go. But remember that I'm always here for you. Love you. 
ME: Love you too.


That was the entire conversation.
If you haven't figured it out; I'm Bi.
So is K. But she has a boyfriend. His name is Jesse. He's okay. He treats her likes shit though and she cheats on him. I should know. She was my first time. With a girl, anyways.
K was the first person I ever smoked with & and had sex with.
This girl kind of means something to me although she can be a controlling be-otch.

God, I have so many fucking problems when it comes to relationships.


~~~~
As of today, Sunday May 22nd, 2011.
I have 18 days until I turn 15. I can not fucking wait.
Why?
Uhm, I'm getting my permit.
I'm gonna smoke with Jess. Cause she smokes now :)
I'm getting my permit.
I'm getting my permit.

.. Seeing a pattern?
So, that's really basically it.

Peace
-A

Rant numero uno.

*This is a rant that is to someone. Though they will never read this.*

I’m going to copy & paste the conversation. Cause I’m lazy. 

SCOTT: Don't you durr me! Haha I'll durr you back! And much harder! And I try and think positive but I also think realistically as well.

ME: Logical thoughts do not always help you in the long run. 

Sometimes, the most illogical things will help you the most & make you the happiest.

SCOTT: I know that, and all to well. I can't help it though. That's part of the reason I'm so depressed. I'll never get over it though. My life's never going anywhere and I've accepted that.

ME: Well, duh. But only because you're thinking that. 

Fuck, I have no money for college. But I'm still going. 

You can't think about the negatives all the time. Start thinking about the positives and good things will happen. Sure, it'll take some time and it won't be obvious. 

Subtle little things will start to happen and soon you'll notice that the days are becoming better and you will, essentially, become a happier person. 

But if you keep saying, "I'll never get over it though", than you won't get over it. You wanna start getting over it, you gotta start thinking, "I'm going to get over it."

It's called something really scientific and fancy but basically what I'm saying is YOU have to make up your mind about being a happier person before you become one. And yeah, it's a long ass process but the reward is worth it.

SCOTT: If you say so. Im not sure I can make a positive mindset. Ive tried, and it helped but not for long. I don't really have anything to hold onto in life anymore. There's nothing I want to see or do. Most people hate me anyways. If I could go back in time and get my lungs back I would at least have that. That's all I ever really had in the first place.

ME: Dammit Scott! 

I'm not trying to be mean but get the fuck over it. 

You want to be happier person. Than start fucking acting like it. Stop complaining about it because your life could be a hell of a lot worse than what is now. You could have NO friends at all. You could have a family who wants to see you dead. You could be fucking HOMELESS. But you aren't. In todays world, you have a damn good life, okay? So stop your bitching and put a smile on your fucking face, ya hear?

SCOTT: ;( you yelled at me. Haha jk I hear yah. I don't mean to bitch and complain. I know what I have to do. I don't want to do anything anymore though is what I'm saying. I'm a very happy person, trust me. But at the end of the day nothing matters to me anymore. There's probably some crazy weird condition that I have or something. Don't worry about what I say. I'm just a deluded prick coon fat lazy stupid mother fucker.

ME: Yeah, I fucking yelled at you cause you're pissin' me off. 

It isn't a crazy weird condition. It's called giving up at the end of the day. Whatever. You wanna be a depressed person, go right ahead. 

Don't say I didn't try and help you.

SCOTT: Chill bro. Chill. We're on the same side here. I've taken everything you've said onto account. I'm sorry I've pissed you off. What can I do to make it up to you?

This conversation pissed me off. And I wanted to fucking rant. But no. Blogspot had to choose now to go down. Stupid piece of shit. My ranting rage is running out so bye. 

Peace 

-A